April 7, 2008....I was walking out the door to catch a flight to Reno, Nevada for lyme treatment. I quickly skimmed my bookshelf looking for a book to read on the plane. The only requirement....it needed to be small enough to fit into my purse...the smaller the better. In my haste, without much thought, I picked up a small paperback I purchased years earlier and had not read. It was called, Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. I heard it was a good book, and I was intrigued by the title. So, maybe it was time to finally read it...not much else to do while on the plane. Why not?
Not only did I read it on the plane, I read it in the quiet, lonely moments of treatment when it was just me and God. The book beautifully described the relationship Brother Lawrence had with God. He was a monk, who lived in the 17th century, in a monastery. He was a cook in the kitchen of the monastery. Even though he worked amongst the hustle and bustle of cooking and serving meals (well...cooking creates lots of hustle and bustle in my house anyway!), his mind and thoughts constantly remained on God and the awareness of His presence. In the book, he talks about enjoying God's love and peace regardless of the circumstances or busyness around him. I was fascinated (and still fascinated)with his constant mental pursuit of God in His thoughts. It is reported that people enjoyed being around him, and he was a man full of peace and love. Wow!
When I came home, out of complete desperation, I "fell" into depending on God to lead me in the moments of my days. I began to realize I was more aware of His presence than I had ever been in my life. Instead of reading a devotional or Bible passage, and setting it aside to "get on with my day." The dialogue and dependence on God continued throughout my day. It started to click...I began to connect the dots, and I wondered..."could this be a small taste of what Brother Lawrence shared with God?" It didn't take valiant effort or duty or service on my part...only quiet cries for help and listening...meeting God in the moments of my life...in my weakness and stillness.
I am definitely not a monk in a monastery!! I would never compare myself to Brother Lawrence, but I think God knew the road I was taking and what He wanted to teach me. I believe He put that "small" book in my hands for a reason. He wanted to make the gift of His presence a reality in my life...not just a theological fact. Slowly, clinging to His presence, and talking with Him moment by moment, became the only way I could navigate during those difficult days. Sometimes I would question myself and pray..."God, I don't know of anyone else who asks you about each step of their day...am I on track?" or "God, how do I stay in communion with you as my life gets busier and not so small?" I wanted to read more.
Fast forward to Sept, 2009...I was at a local Christian Bookstore at the register checking out, and I saw a devotional book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I had not heard of the book. The prompting came, "Buy that devotional book." I thought, "I have sooo many devotional books at home with dust on them...that I don't read. Why would I buy another one to add to the stack? I don't know ANYTHING about this book!" The prompting continued. Finally, I bought the book, and thought..."at least it is on sale!"
I went home and began reading the devotional out of sheer curiosity. I quickly realized it is an incredible devotional book, and the answer to many of my questions about this new way to walk through life. The author talks over and over again about living in God's presence. Keeping our focus on God. It became a daily encouragement to me, and a confirmation of what God was teaching me over and over again. It gave me answers to my many questions about..."How do I enjoy God's presence in the "real world"...outside of my four walls or outside of a monastery?
I still read this devotional book on a regular basis, and this morning, April 1st, as I was contemplating writing about the gift of God's presence in my life, I read this...
Jesus Calling, April 1st...
"I AM CALLING YOU to a life of constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life. You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all. Talk with Me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me. A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if many things remain undone at the end of the day. Do not let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life. Instead, ask My spirit to guide you moment by moment. He will keep you close to Me."
I Thessalonians 5:17; Proverbs 3:6
When I read this devotional today...I just had to smile. I had already planned to blog about the gift of His presence in my life. Then, I read today's devotional. The devotional says it better than I could ever articulate. I read it...my heart was warmed, and I was encouraged to continue "basic training."
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
The Gift of Listening
As I reflect back on this journey, one of the most important lessons and gifts I have been given is the gift of listening. As I have mentioned many times, before my health crisis...I was twirling, I was so busy. My life consisted of reacting to the crisis at hand or my to-do-list. I was very task driven. The demands of life were screaming in my ears and there was so much noise.
Once my world stopped as I knew it, my life became very quiet. The demands of life were knocking at my door but I couldn't answer. My options of busyness where no longer. I was left with being in my own skin...being with myself and being with God. That may sound odd but there were no other distractions. Going to Target, volunteering at school, going to work wasn't a viable option for me. My world became very small, and my steps were very few.
I knew every step I did make was very important to the care of my family and my own recovery. Every step was precious energy...it could not be wasted. I was overwhelmed by this fact. So, from moment to moment, I began to ask God how to use my steps wisely. I knew I didn't know the big picture or even how to get from point A to point B. So, I asked God. I would wake up in the morning and and ask..."Father, what is next?" I would listen. Sometimes it was a prompting to check email, read a book that gave me more info about my recovery, make a phone call, or prepare a meal. When that task was done, I would ask God to show me the next. I lived moment by moment with no agenda....only to ask God for direction and follow His promptings. When I did go to the grocery store (for the first time in my life) I didn't take a grocery list. I would ask...what will we need? There were times I felt promptings to buy something...like construction paper, and would think...why in the world am I buying that?! Sure enough a few days later one of my kids would need construction paper!! I began to stop questioning and just listen.
How often, I have asked God, "What is next?" and wondered does He really care about the moments of my day? Will He really lead me? Then, I remember Psalm 139.
"Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths (even this illness!), you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. ALL THE DAYS ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you...Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."
Reading these verses, I can never question how intimately He is involved in my steps. How incredible...He knows when I sit down and when I rise. Grant it...I was mostly sitting and not much rising, but HE knew!!! Wow!! So, I had my answer. Yes, He knows the details of my families needs, and the steps I take, and yes, He will lead me.
So yes, He did and (and still does) lead; however, it really required me to surrender MY agenda and MY way to Him. I would often think..."I really don't want to do this or that doesn't make any sense!!!" However, if I really wanted to listen...it was His voice I wanted to hear, not my own, so I had to give up my way to His direction. You know...even though I didn't always have a clean house or the things "I" thought were important. I always went to bed with the peace that God directed me and the important things were done....He knows better than I do.
As I was learning this new way to live, another question would often come to mind..."God is this your prompting?"
In I Kings 19:11-12, God is speaking to Elijah and the verses say, "'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave."
Elijah had his own experience with "Earth, Wind and Fire!" but God was not there. When Elijah heard the gentle whisper, He knew it was God.
I was not looking for big gestures or "signs..." I was just asking God for direction and listening for a gentle whisper. It was a walk of faith. Trusting that God was hearing and leading me, and the gentle promptings...His sweet voice....yes, as overwhelming as it is to write this and tears run down my face...I think...yes, He has lead me all this way...step by step each day. Jesus led me all the way. (Hmm...Reminds me of the old hymn).
Believe me! This was a radical change in the way I had always "done" life. Before, I was always thinking and trying to squeeze the most out of my hours in the day. I became a master at multi-tasking, and somehow thought this was a great accomplishment. All the while, I had no idea I was contributing to the break down of my immune system and health by putting so much stress on my body. As I get stronger, how easy it is for me to go back to the old way of living life...to walk in my own wisdom...instead of leaning in desperate dependence on God for each step. I long to never loose sight of this precious gift of listening.
Once my world stopped as I knew it, my life became very quiet. The demands of life were knocking at my door but I couldn't answer. My options of busyness where no longer. I was left with being in my own skin...being with myself and being with God. That may sound odd but there were no other distractions. Going to Target, volunteering at school, going to work wasn't a viable option for me. My world became very small, and my steps were very few.
I knew every step I did make was very important to the care of my family and my own recovery. Every step was precious energy...it could not be wasted. I was overwhelmed by this fact. So, from moment to moment, I began to ask God how to use my steps wisely. I knew I didn't know the big picture or even how to get from point A to point B. So, I asked God. I would wake up in the morning and and ask..."Father, what is next?" I would listen. Sometimes it was a prompting to check email, read a book that gave me more info about my recovery, make a phone call, or prepare a meal. When that task was done, I would ask God to show me the next. I lived moment by moment with no agenda....only to ask God for direction and follow His promptings. When I did go to the grocery store (for the first time in my life) I didn't take a grocery list. I would ask...what will we need? There were times I felt promptings to buy something...like construction paper, and would think...why in the world am I buying that?! Sure enough a few days later one of my kids would need construction paper!! I began to stop questioning and just listen.
How often, I have asked God, "What is next?" and wondered does He really care about the moments of my day? Will He really lead me? Then, I remember Psalm 139.
"Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths (even this illness!), you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. ALL THE DAYS ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you...Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."
Reading these verses, I can never question how intimately He is involved in my steps. How incredible...He knows when I sit down and when I rise. Grant it...I was mostly sitting and not much rising, but HE knew!!! Wow!! So, I had my answer. Yes, He knows the details of my families needs, and the steps I take, and yes, He will lead me.
So yes, He did and (and still does) lead; however, it really required me to surrender MY agenda and MY way to Him. I would often think..."I really don't want to do this or that doesn't make any sense!!!" However, if I really wanted to listen...it was His voice I wanted to hear, not my own, so I had to give up my way to His direction. You know...even though I didn't always have a clean house or the things "I" thought were important. I always went to bed with the peace that God directed me and the important things were done....He knows better than I do.
As I was learning this new way to live, another question would often come to mind..."God is this your prompting?"
In I Kings 19:11-12, God is speaking to Elijah and the verses say, "'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave."
Elijah had his own experience with "Earth, Wind and Fire!" but God was not there. When Elijah heard the gentle whisper, He knew it was God.
I was not looking for big gestures or "signs..." I was just asking God for direction and listening for a gentle whisper. It was a walk of faith. Trusting that God was hearing and leading me, and the gentle promptings...His sweet voice....yes, as overwhelming as it is to write this and tears run down my face...I think...yes, He has lead me all this way...step by step each day. Jesus led me all the way. (Hmm...Reminds me of the old hymn).
Believe me! This was a radical change in the way I had always "done" life. Before, I was always thinking and trying to squeeze the most out of my hours in the day. I became a master at multi-tasking, and somehow thought this was a great accomplishment. All the while, I had no idea I was contributing to the break down of my immune system and health by putting so much stress on my body. As I get stronger, how easy it is for me to go back to the old way of living life...to walk in my own wisdom...instead of leaning in desperate dependence on God for each step. I long to never loose sight of this precious gift of listening.
Monday, March 19, 2012
The Gift of Obedience
One summer afternoon in 2008, I was coming home from a doctor's appointment, and I was exhausted. I had used all of my strength to get to the appointment and I was on empty. I was focused on getting home so I could get in bed and rest...I just wanted to be one with my bed! Finally, I was almost there. I was at the intersection in front of my neighborhood waiting for the light to turn green so I could make a left hand turn into my neighborhood. I was so happy my journey was almost done and my home and bed were not far away! As I waited impatiently for the light to turn green, I began to notice cars swirving in order to miss an object in the intersection. As I looked closer, I realized the object was a log! (I assumed it must have fallen from the back of a truck!) Everyone was navigating treacherously around it but no one stopped to move the log out of the intersection. I couldn't believe what I was seeing! No one cared about the danger this log posed. All I could think about was the fact that this log could cause a wreck and someone might really get hurt!! I said out loud, "Why doesn't someone DO something....and roll that log out of the way."
Then, there was a gentle prompting in my heart. "Ronda, why don't you move the log out of the road?" I was ready with my response... "I am really sick and so weak. I CAN'T move THAT log! I have a valid reason for not acting." Satisfied with my reasoning...the light turned green, and I made my left hand turn (navigating around the log)through the intersection and into my neighborhood. I put my sights on my home and getting into bed! I thought I was home free, but the prompting in my heart was only stronger..."Why don't you move that log?" Then I thought..."Is this prompting from God...really??" "God, do you want me to move that log out of the road....me??" I tried to ignore it again, but I knew in my heart that to go home and not move the log would be disobedience. I must admit I almost kept driving to my goal...home...but the thought came..."If I quench God's prompting this time...it will be so much easier to not listen the next time. Do I want to listen and obey or do I want to do life my way?" My way usually gets me into trouble. I knew I needed to turn my car around and go back to move the log. Finally, I turned my car around...I wish I could report that I happily turned my car around, but I was angry. I REALLY didn't want to go. Every step to the dr's office and back home was such an effort...how in the world was I going to move a log out of the road??!!!
I headed back to the intersection and manuvered my car until I was once again sitting in the left hand turn lane at the intersection. Cars were still swirving around the log...thankfully the traffic was light and no one had been hurt. This time, I turned on my hazard lights and put the car in park. As the traffic stopped for the red light, I walked into the intersection, bent down and began rolling the log out of the intersection into the grassy median. As it rolled, I began to laugh..what a sight I must have been! Hopefully, it was a pleasing sight of obedience to God. Once the log was secure, I went back to my car and made that left hand turn, for the second time, into my neighborhood.
I drove home with a smile on my face and a new energy. I listened....and obeyed. I acted in a situation and potentially prevented an accident. I may have helped someone else, but I also helped myself. I felt like I had re-entered the land of the living. Being so ill, I had began to feel like a bystandard watching as life happened around me. I felt powerless to change my situation or anything happening around me...much like a victim. That day I realized, I am ill and weak and cannot do everything I desire but I am not powerless...nor am I a victim. Although my steps may not be many, if I am listening and obeying the One who is making my path straight, my steps can make a difference for me and for others.
This was a turning point for me...the day I made a decision to begin listening and obeying...even if it seems crazy...or I don't feel like it. There have been so many voices and opinions along the way about how to treat lyme or my other diagnosis. At times, it has been incredibly overwhelming and confusing. Who do I listen to? What do I do? This lesson in listening and obeying has been crucial for me. As I have listened (to His promptings)and obeyed, God has again, and again been so faithful to show me the path of healing through specific doctors, exercise, diet, supplements, medications, and lifestyle. Obedience has been a healing road for me from the inside out...truly a gift!
Then, there was a gentle prompting in my heart. "Ronda, why don't you move the log out of the road?" I was ready with my response... "I am really sick and so weak. I CAN'T move THAT log! I have a valid reason for not acting." Satisfied with my reasoning...the light turned green, and I made my left hand turn (navigating around the log)through the intersection and into my neighborhood. I put my sights on my home and getting into bed! I thought I was home free, but the prompting in my heart was only stronger..."Why don't you move that log?" Then I thought..."Is this prompting from God...really??" "God, do you want me to move that log out of the road....me??" I tried to ignore it again, but I knew in my heart that to go home and not move the log would be disobedience. I must admit I almost kept driving to my goal...home...but the thought came..."If I quench God's prompting this time...it will be so much easier to not listen the next time. Do I want to listen and obey or do I want to do life my way?" My way usually gets me into trouble. I knew I needed to turn my car around and go back to move the log. Finally, I turned my car around...I wish I could report that I happily turned my car around, but I was angry. I REALLY didn't want to go. Every step to the dr's office and back home was such an effort...how in the world was I going to move a log out of the road??!!!
I headed back to the intersection and manuvered my car until I was once again sitting in the left hand turn lane at the intersection. Cars were still swirving around the log...thankfully the traffic was light and no one had been hurt. This time, I turned on my hazard lights and put the car in park. As the traffic stopped for the red light, I walked into the intersection, bent down and began rolling the log out of the intersection into the grassy median. As it rolled, I began to laugh..what a sight I must have been! Hopefully, it was a pleasing sight of obedience to God. Once the log was secure, I went back to my car and made that left hand turn, for the second time, into my neighborhood.
I drove home with a smile on my face and a new energy. I listened....and obeyed. I acted in a situation and potentially prevented an accident. I may have helped someone else, but I also helped myself. I felt like I had re-entered the land of the living. Being so ill, I had began to feel like a bystandard watching as life happened around me. I felt powerless to change my situation or anything happening around me...much like a victim. That day I realized, I am ill and weak and cannot do everything I desire but I am not powerless...nor am I a victim. Although my steps may not be many, if I am listening and obeying the One who is making my path straight, my steps can make a difference for me and for others.
This was a turning point for me...the day I made a decision to begin listening and obeying...even if it seems crazy...or I don't feel like it. There have been so many voices and opinions along the way about how to treat lyme or my other diagnosis. At times, it has been incredibly overwhelming and confusing. Who do I listen to? What do I do? This lesson in listening and obeying has been crucial for me. As I have listened (to His promptings)and obeyed, God has again, and again been so faithful to show me the path of healing through specific doctors, exercise, diet, supplements, medications, and lifestyle. Obedience has been a healing road for me from the inside out...truly a gift!
Monday, March 12, 2012
The Gift of Health
Wow! Is it really March, 2012?? The few times I have taken a break from blogging, it amazes me how quickly time passes...how fleeting. A blog entry may stand still to represent a moment or day in time, but our lives continue to march on. Even though I haven't been blogging, I have been journaling and I have continued to reflect on the gifts I have been given...the gifts I see with fresh eyes as a result of being on this healing journey.
One of the gifts for which I am so deeply thankful is my health. Prior to dealing with illness, I didn't understand the gift of health...the fact that my health was truly an amazing gift that could be here today and gone tomorrow. I assumed I would always be healthy, and if I got sick...well, there would be a pill of some sort that would put me back on my feet. Any illness that couldn't be solved with a round of antibiotics or a prescription was unthinkable...I just didn't even let my mind go there.
Speaking of prescriptions, I had been so blessed with health; I was thirty years old when my first antibiotic was prescribed. Really!! I had hardly ever been sick! I had been given the gift of health but didn't realize the priceless nature of this gift. I was somehow lulled into thinking that I would always be healthy, and the "rules" of taking care of yourself didn't apply to me.
My schedule was pack...I played hard and worked hard. I allowed by body to endure too much stress and I pushed it way too hard. I didn't listen to it's pleas for rest. I just drank another cup of coffee (to get a good old fashion dose of caffeine) and kept pushing. My body was just along for the ride. I didn't see my body as a vital part of me that needed attention, and needed to be heard. My body was there to serve me and allow me to do what I wanted to do. Wow! It makes me sad just writing those words.
As far as caring for my body with nutrition, well, I must admit...I didn't eat the best foods on a consistent basis. Even though I am a Registered Dietitian, and I know how to eat right. I allowed my schedule and to-do-list to dictate how I fed my body. I often chose foods that I could grab quickly to accommodate my schedule rather than take the time to prepare or eat what was optimal for my body.
I am not saying I would not have contracted lyme disease had I taken better care of my body. However, I have been forced to follow the "rules of health," and make my health a priority in order for my body to heal. I no longer live under the delusion that the "rules" don't apply to me. I know the rules apply to me...I won't escape the health consequences if I try to accomplish things I see as important to the detriment of my own body. I have had to apologize to my body for the lack of sleep, stress and mishap eating...for not listening to it.
No, I am not 100% back to my normal health. Yes, I am still working with doctors and continue to have health concerns, but I continue to improve and get stronger. I now see any measure of health I gain or enjoy as an amazing gift. This last year has been about enjoying this gift, and learning to balance the needs of my body with the activity and craziness of life. Sometimes you don't know the value of a gift until it is gone.
One of the gifts for which I am so deeply thankful is my health. Prior to dealing with illness, I didn't understand the gift of health...the fact that my health was truly an amazing gift that could be here today and gone tomorrow. I assumed I would always be healthy, and if I got sick...well, there would be a pill of some sort that would put me back on my feet. Any illness that couldn't be solved with a round of antibiotics or a prescription was unthinkable...I just didn't even let my mind go there.
Speaking of prescriptions, I had been so blessed with health; I was thirty years old when my first antibiotic was prescribed. Really!! I had hardly ever been sick! I had been given the gift of health but didn't realize the priceless nature of this gift. I was somehow lulled into thinking that I would always be healthy, and the "rules" of taking care of yourself didn't apply to me.
My schedule was pack...I played hard and worked hard. I allowed by body to endure too much stress and I pushed it way too hard. I didn't listen to it's pleas for rest. I just drank another cup of coffee (to get a good old fashion dose of caffeine) and kept pushing. My body was just along for the ride. I didn't see my body as a vital part of me that needed attention, and needed to be heard. My body was there to serve me and allow me to do what I wanted to do. Wow! It makes me sad just writing those words.
As far as caring for my body with nutrition, well, I must admit...I didn't eat the best foods on a consistent basis. Even though I am a Registered Dietitian, and I know how to eat right. I allowed my schedule and to-do-list to dictate how I fed my body. I often chose foods that I could grab quickly to accommodate my schedule rather than take the time to prepare or eat what was optimal for my body.
I am not saying I would not have contracted lyme disease had I taken better care of my body. However, I have been forced to follow the "rules of health," and make my health a priority in order for my body to heal. I no longer live under the delusion that the "rules" don't apply to me. I know the rules apply to me...I won't escape the health consequences if I try to accomplish things I see as important to the detriment of my own body. I have had to apologize to my body for the lack of sleep, stress and mishap eating...for not listening to it.
No, I am not 100% back to my normal health. Yes, I am still working with doctors and continue to have health concerns, but I continue to improve and get stronger. I now see any measure of health I gain or enjoy as an amazing gift. This last year has been about enjoying this gift, and learning to balance the needs of my body with the activity and craziness of life. Sometimes you don't know the value of a gift until it is gone.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Four Little "Friends"
It has been over a year since I have written a "medical update" so I thought it might be fitting to bring everyone up-to-date on my health. Last year, I wrote a blog ("Cutting out Extra Parts") and explained that I had a tonsillectomy and was about to undergo a second surgery to have my gallbladder removed. I did have my gallbladder taken out, and was told that it was quite infected...the doctor's quote,"It didn't disintegrate in my hands but it was quite infected." I guess that means, "It could have been worse!" Both my tonsils and gallbladder were tested for lyme and other things. They were not positive for lyme but other microbes were detected. Since my surgeries, I have noticed a gradual positive shift with my health...less fatigue, throat issues, just alot more stamina. YEAH!!! Definitely worth my two trips to the OR.
Even though there have been definite improvements in my overall health, my white blood cell count has remained quite low, and my red blood cells remain low. One of the reasons I had both surgeries was to eliminate infection and thereby, help my WBCs to go back to the normal range...didn't happen! Again, I am the mystery patient that baffled the doctors. The hematologist said, "This is an infectious disease issue." The infectious disease doctor told me it was absolutely not an infectious disease issue and told me to go back to the hematologist! OH MY! When a dr gives me a blank stare, I just think....here we go again! Help me God..only you truly know what is happening.
Everyone was puzzled, but it was Dr. Zackrison to the rescue. Dr. Zackrison is the doctor who has treated me for lyme disease. She treats with antibiotics as well as homeopathics and is willing to look outside of the box. Dr. Z suspected that the neutropenia and anemia could be due to parasites...lovely thought! So, she ordered blood work, and sure enough...she found a major parasite..cysticercosis. YUCK! I was absolutely disgusted and thankful all at the same time! Horrified that I had a "friend" who is robbing me of nutrients and keeping my immune system so busy, but so thankful I had an answer.
With this knowledge and diagnosis, Dr. Z explained to me that a virus is like the size of a sesame seed, a bacteria can be thought of as a peanut and parasites are like golf balls to the immune system. Hence, my body can't keep up and produce enough WBCs to sustain a normal level. She also explained that the parasites are literally stealing the iron I eat. This why my iron stores are nonexistent and my RBCs are so low. She put me on parasite meds and my WBCs went back to normal. They were the highest they had been in three years!!! I literally did a "happy" dance around the office...I was so thrilled!!
They have continued to test me for other parasites and have found three additional parasites...yes, I have four friends!! Just put me in a red bag marked "hazardous waste!!!" I have had the health department call me more than once asking..."Do you know how you contracted these parasites?" My answer....NO, I have no earthly idea!!!! I guess if you take away someone's immune system...defense...while they live in a world with parasites...they are likely to pick up a few of them! I suppose my digestion issues could also be a reason. When I was being treated in Reno, they tested the ph of my stomach and it was too high. I was told that if the ph of your stomach isn't low enough to properly digest food and kill bacteria, virus and parasites, you are suscpectible to parasites. In addition, when you don't have the proper ph to digested food, the undigested food produces bad bacteria...all of this combined can contribute to acid indigestion and reflux. I have been taking hydrochloric acid (to lower the ph of the acid in my stomach)as well as digestive enzymes and my indigestion and reflux are gone!
With all of the meds and treatment for parasites, I have learned one thing, "parasites are hard kill!" The meds don't kill the eggs so yes, as you guessed...you have to keep killing new generations of them. My WBCs go up and then back down like a see-saw. I have read Hulda Clark's book on parasite treatments and she recommends cloves (ground and put into capsules) to kill the eggs so I have been using her protocol as well as the pharmaceuticals. Her protocol has been very helpful to me.
I will continue to let you know how my parasite treatment is going. I truly think....if I can rid my body of these "critters," it will take care of many of my symptoms and medical concerns. It would definitely free-up my immune system, and go along way toward my fight against lyme disease.
Love to all!
Ronda
Even though there have been definite improvements in my overall health, my white blood cell count has remained quite low, and my red blood cells remain low. One of the reasons I had both surgeries was to eliminate infection and thereby, help my WBCs to go back to the normal range...didn't happen! Again, I am the mystery patient that baffled the doctors. The hematologist said, "This is an infectious disease issue." The infectious disease doctor told me it was absolutely not an infectious disease issue and told me to go back to the hematologist! OH MY! When a dr gives me a blank stare, I just think....here we go again! Help me God..only you truly know what is happening.
Everyone was puzzled, but it was Dr. Zackrison to the rescue. Dr. Zackrison is the doctor who has treated me for lyme disease. She treats with antibiotics as well as homeopathics and is willing to look outside of the box. Dr. Z suspected that the neutropenia and anemia could be due to parasites...lovely thought! So, she ordered blood work, and sure enough...she found a major parasite..cysticercosis. YUCK! I was absolutely disgusted and thankful all at the same time! Horrified that I had a "friend" who is robbing me of nutrients and keeping my immune system so busy, but so thankful I had an answer.
With this knowledge and diagnosis, Dr. Z explained to me that a virus is like the size of a sesame seed, a bacteria can be thought of as a peanut and parasites are like golf balls to the immune system. Hence, my body can't keep up and produce enough WBCs to sustain a normal level. She also explained that the parasites are literally stealing the iron I eat. This why my iron stores are nonexistent and my RBCs are so low. She put me on parasite meds and my WBCs went back to normal. They were the highest they had been in three years!!! I literally did a "happy" dance around the office...I was so thrilled!!
They have continued to test me for other parasites and have found three additional parasites...yes, I have four friends!! Just put me in a red bag marked "hazardous waste!!!" I have had the health department call me more than once asking..."Do you know how you contracted these parasites?" My answer....NO, I have no earthly idea!!!! I guess if you take away someone's immune system...defense...while they live in a world with parasites...they are likely to pick up a few of them! I suppose my digestion issues could also be a reason. When I was being treated in Reno, they tested the ph of my stomach and it was too high. I was told that if the ph of your stomach isn't low enough to properly digest food and kill bacteria, virus and parasites, you are suscpectible to parasites. In addition, when you don't have the proper ph to digested food, the undigested food produces bad bacteria...all of this combined can contribute to acid indigestion and reflux. I have been taking hydrochloric acid (to lower the ph of the acid in my stomach)as well as digestive enzymes and my indigestion and reflux are gone!
With all of the meds and treatment for parasites, I have learned one thing, "parasites are hard kill!" The meds don't kill the eggs so yes, as you guessed...you have to keep killing new generations of them. My WBCs go up and then back down like a see-saw. I have read Hulda Clark's book on parasite treatments and she recommends cloves (ground and put into capsules) to kill the eggs so I have been using her protocol as well as the pharmaceuticals. Her protocol has been very helpful to me.
I will continue to let you know how my parasite treatment is going. I truly think....if I can rid my body of these "critters," it will take care of many of my symptoms and medical concerns. It would definitely free-up my immune system, and go along way toward my fight against lyme disease.
Love to all!
Ronda
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
"Ronda, Just Soar"
My last blog was about hope. The fact is...the only way I have been able to hold onto hope is to stay in the moment with complete trust that GOD is holding me, and all my future moments, in His loving care. This new awareness and need for GOD in the moments of my life, has gradually turned into a continual dialogue with GOD about EVERYTHING that is happening (or in some cases not happening!) in my day no matter how little or how big.
In 2008, when I was at my worst, I couldn't even raise my arms to blow dry my hair. Believe me! There were ALOT of things that where "not happening." Do you remember my blog, "You Don't Look Sick," and the "Spoon Theory?" I wrote about the fact that when one struggles with a chronic condition, physical energy is a limited commodity, and one never knows when the "spoons" of energy will be gone. They may be back in bed by 9:00 AM, and their strength may literally be "spent." With this new understanding of my body, I had to let go of ALL expectations of my day or myself, and I began asking God, "What do YOU have for me in this moment?" "How should I spend my spoons of energy?" With my day completely surrendered and no agenda, in the stillness...I felt gentle promptings toward specific things. The prompting may be to make an appointment with a doctor, read a book, sweep the kitchen floor or simply rest. I began to live from my heart and the gentle promptings instead of the crazy worry and "logic" of my own reasoning.
You know, it really was freeing knowing GOD knew what needed to happen from day to day. He knew where He was taking me and what my body, soul and spirit needed in order to heal. He also knew the needs of my family. At the end of the day, no...I didn't have the "to-do-list" completed. Yes, there were always things left undone, but there was no guilt or worry. I knew God had walked me through the moments of my day. It actually became exciting! I love spontaneity and each day was full of surprises. I never knew exactly how the day would go. Yes, there were promptings to do things I REALLY didn't want to do...but there was no procrastination (which I am so good at!) I was just listening, seeking and asking God to lead me...taking it one moment at a time.
One summer afternoon in 2008, I needed to meet up with a friend a few miles from my house. She was bringing me groceries, (I have such wonderful friends!!) but due to time constraints she was unable to deliver the groceries to my house...so, we chose a convenient meeting place near the local interstate. I was so very weak, and had only driven a few times since coming home from Reno. The idea of navigating the interstate was too much...sitting up in my car was a challenge within itself! As I left my neighborhood, I said to God, "My brain is in such a fog and I feel so weak. I need a back road to get to my destination. Please show me what to do!" I felt a gentle nudging to take an immediate right turn. I thought....I must have heard wrong! This is crazy! I can't get there by turning right, but I was learning to trust those promptings so, I turned right. Immediately, I looked up and there was a beautiful eagle soaring above me. It was soaring low and I was amazed at the wing span. It was completely breathtaking. I said out loud, "Is that an eagle?" I felt like God was saying, "Yes, Ronda that is an eagle." I started to argue...that CAN'T be an eagle...we don't have eagles around here." It was as if God said...."Go with it Ronda...Trust me on this one...it's an eagle!"
Then, the arguing stopped. A verse came to my mind, "They that wait (or hope in) on the Lord, He will renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31) God said to my heart, "Ronda, your complete trust and dependence on me for each moment of your day...to even make this right turn...this is what it means to soar...you are soaring." I started to cry! I had always wondered what this verse in Isaiah REALLY meant. I didn't know what it looked like in a practical way in my life. Now, my heart understood. I just needed to spread my wings and stop trying to make sense of it all...stop trying to control the future...stay in the moment and just let God carry me.
As all of these thoughts were going on inside of me, through the tears, I noticed a brand new road that had been opened while I was in Reno. I turned onto the new road, and it was a "back road" that lead me to my destination. The "crazy" right turn...was not so crazy after all. Yes, God was carrying me.
Since that day, when I leave my house, I look up and inevitably, I will see a hawk soaring above. The prompting comes to my heart..."Ronda, just soar." It is a beautiful and gentle reminder to not "run" in my own strength...just be in the moment with God and let him take care of all of my worries...just soar.
Love to all!
Ronda
One more thing! A few days ago I was having lunch with neighbors and they began talking about the eagle's nests that are in our neighborhood....Who knew?! I guess God was right...it was an eagle!
Proverbs 3:5-8 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowlege Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body, and refreshment to your bones."
In 2008, when I was at my worst, I couldn't even raise my arms to blow dry my hair. Believe me! There were ALOT of things that where "not happening." Do you remember my blog, "You Don't Look Sick," and the "Spoon Theory?" I wrote about the fact that when one struggles with a chronic condition, physical energy is a limited commodity, and one never knows when the "spoons" of energy will be gone. They may be back in bed by 9:00 AM, and their strength may literally be "spent." With this new understanding of my body, I had to let go of ALL expectations of my day or myself, and I began asking God, "What do YOU have for me in this moment?" "How should I spend my spoons of energy?" With my day completely surrendered and no agenda, in the stillness...I felt gentle promptings toward specific things. The prompting may be to make an appointment with a doctor, read a book, sweep the kitchen floor or simply rest. I began to live from my heart and the gentle promptings instead of the crazy worry and "logic" of my own reasoning.
You know, it really was freeing knowing GOD knew what needed to happen from day to day. He knew where He was taking me and what my body, soul and spirit needed in order to heal. He also knew the needs of my family. At the end of the day, no...I didn't have the "to-do-list" completed. Yes, there were always things left undone, but there was no guilt or worry. I knew God had walked me through the moments of my day. It actually became exciting! I love spontaneity and each day was full of surprises. I never knew exactly how the day would go. Yes, there were promptings to do things I REALLY didn't want to do...but there was no procrastination (which I am so good at!) I was just listening, seeking and asking God to lead me...taking it one moment at a time.
One summer afternoon in 2008, I needed to meet up with a friend a few miles from my house. She was bringing me groceries, (I have such wonderful friends!!) but due to time constraints she was unable to deliver the groceries to my house...so, we chose a convenient meeting place near the local interstate. I was so very weak, and had only driven a few times since coming home from Reno. The idea of navigating the interstate was too much...sitting up in my car was a challenge within itself! As I left my neighborhood, I said to God, "My brain is in such a fog and I feel so weak. I need a back road to get to my destination. Please show me what to do!" I felt a gentle nudging to take an immediate right turn. I thought....I must have heard wrong! This is crazy! I can't get there by turning right, but I was learning to trust those promptings so, I turned right. Immediately, I looked up and there was a beautiful eagle soaring above me. It was soaring low and I was amazed at the wing span. It was completely breathtaking. I said out loud, "Is that an eagle?" I felt like God was saying, "Yes, Ronda that is an eagle." I started to argue...that CAN'T be an eagle...we don't have eagles around here." It was as if God said...."Go with it Ronda...Trust me on this one...it's an eagle!"
Then, the arguing stopped. A verse came to my mind, "They that wait (or hope in) on the Lord, He will renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31) God said to my heart, "Ronda, your complete trust and dependence on me for each moment of your day...to even make this right turn...this is what it means to soar...you are soaring." I started to cry! I had always wondered what this verse in Isaiah REALLY meant. I didn't know what it looked like in a practical way in my life. Now, my heart understood. I just needed to spread my wings and stop trying to make sense of it all...stop trying to control the future...stay in the moment and just let God carry me.
As all of these thoughts were going on inside of me, through the tears, I noticed a brand new road that had been opened while I was in Reno. I turned onto the new road, and it was a "back road" that lead me to my destination. The "crazy" right turn...was not so crazy after all. Yes, God was carrying me.
Since that day, when I leave my house, I look up and inevitably, I will see a hawk soaring above. The prompting comes to my heart..."Ronda, just soar." It is a beautiful and gentle reminder to not "run" in my own strength...just be in the moment with God and let him take care of all of my worries...just soar.
Love to all!
Ronda
One more thing! A few days ago I was having lunch with neighbors and they began talking about the eagle's nests that are in our neighborhood....Who knew?! I guess God was right...it was an eagle!
Proverbs 3:5-8 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowlege Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body, and refreshment to your bones."
Thursday, March 10, 2011
"Shattered" Hope
Along this road I am on there have been days when I have lost hope. Hope was illusive. It was there one minute....then, it was gone. I remember purposely trying to cling to hope because the alternative was despair and darkness. Yet despair would often cloud my mind and take over my heart. Questions plagued me, "Will I get better?" "Will my health return?" "How long will I be in this condition?" We had already spent so much money, time and energy on doctor's visits, medications and regimens. Yet, I was not well. The thought of not getting better left me feeling hopeless.
Lyme disease is a crazy illness. There are so many different thoughts and opinions about treatments, prognosis, management, cure, and many of those opinions are in complete conflict. One doctor recommends antibiotics while other doctors oppose antibiotics and stress herbal treatments and other therapies. There is even suspicion and drama about whether lyme disease is a chronic condition. I don't like drama!! I like straight facts with a definite plan on which everyone understands and agrees....the ambiguity of it all is tiring and stressful. So, when I was diagnosed with lyme disease I had NO idea what I was about to encounter. I just wanted an easy answer with a straight forward treatment. Instead, I was hit with a million conflicting opinions and complete horror stories of people who have never regained their health. I must admit...when I did not regain my health, and the months became years...I began to lose hope. I lost hope that I would make a full recovery...hope that I would ever live without pain or return to the life I once knew.
As my hope slipped away. I was sliding into despair. One day, I was standing in my kitchen...it is a moment I will never forget. I was crying out in my heart to God. I was saying, "God, I can't do this...I just can't do this anymore...please help me." At that very moment, God put a question in my heart. "Ronda, can you do this moment, this second...not two seconds from now, not two minutes from now...can you do just this moment?" I pondered the question. Somehow, a weight had been lifted. It seemed tolerable and manageable. I felt the grace and strength for that one moment. I began to cry, and I replied, "Yes, I can do this moment only if you are with me...only if you sustain me." "I don't know if I can do seconds from now, but I can do this moment." Then, the thoughts came, "You don't need to worry about grace or hope for two seconds, two minutes or two hours from now. Just let me hold you in this moment and I will take care of the the rest of your moments too." It was there...in that place...in that exchange...that I realized I could only walk this road clinging to my Savior one moment at a time.
I was much like Peter walking on the water. There was nothing under me to catch me, and I was walking through a storm. I could walk on the water...as long as I had my focus on Jesus, but when I started looking at all the waves of my circumstances and all of the uncertainty about my future, I started to sink into hopelessness and despair. It was only when I turned to Him with complete trust for ALL of the moments of ALL my days that the cloud of despair lifted and hope returned.
I have to tell you there is a sweetness to life when there is nothing to catch you...no where to go...and you put your complete trust in God. My hope was no longer based on whether I regained my health or the circumstances around me changed. Being healthy (as much as I want it) is not my reward...not the basis for my hope. My hope is in the fact that I am not alone. He will never leave me. I can walk in His loving presence one moment at a time knowing one day I will not dwell in this temporary body, but a spiritual body in the presence of my God. Heaven is my hope.
Last winter was a dreadful winter. We had more snow than I have see in in my entire life. It was aweful!! In my garden, under the 20 inches of snow, I had a garden stone that said, "HOPE." I had put it in my garden the previous summer to remind me of "my hope." After a snow storm, my husband walked through the garden with the snow waist-high, and unknowingly stepped on the "hope stone." Weeks later, when the snow melted, I found my hope stone...fake stone "shattered." I was a little distraught...I had become attached to this tangible reminder of hope. Then, I began to laugh and teased my husband that he had "shattered my hope." Days later, the thought came to me....my fake stone is a good representation of all the things on which we base our hope in this world. They can all be shattered, and they can all be taken away. God is the true Rock on which I can stand. A place where I can place my hope and it will never be shattered. May my hope always be in the Lord.
(Psalm 33:20-22) "We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."
(Psalm 92:15)..."The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in Him."
(Psalm 42:11)"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
Lyme disease is a crazy illness. There are so many different thoughts and opinions about treatments, prognosis, management, cure, and many of those opinions are in complete conflict. One doctor recommends antibiotics while other doctors oppose antibiotics and stress herbal treatments and other therapies. There is even suspicion and drama about whether lyme disease is a chronic condition. I don't like drama!! I like straight facts with a definite plan on which everyone understands and agrees....the ambiguity of it all is tiring and stressful. So, when I was diagnosed with lyme disease I had NO idea what I was about to encounter. I just wanted an easy answer with a straight forward treatment. Instead, I was hit with a million conflicting opinions and complete horror stories of people who have never regained their health. I must admit...when I did not regain my health, and the months became years...I began to lose hope. I lost hope that I would make a full recovery...hope that I would ever live without pain or return to the life I once knew.
As my hope slipped away. I was sliding into despair. One day, I was standing in my kitchen...it is a moment I will never forget. I was crying out in my heart to God. I was saying, "God, I can't do this...I just can't do this anymore...please help me." At that very moment, God put a question in my heart. "Ronda, can you do this moment, this second...not two seconds from now, not two minutes from now...can you do just this moment?" I pondered the question. Somehow, a weight had been lifted. It seemed tolerable and manageable. I felt the grace and strength for that one moment. I began to cry, and I replied, "Yes, I can do this moment only if you are with me...only if you sustain me." "I don't know if I can do seconds from now, but I can do this moment." Then, the thoughts came, "You don't need to worry about grace or hope for two seconds, two minutes or two hours from now. Just let me hold you in this moment and I will take care of the the rest of your moments too." It was there...in that place...in that exchange...that I realized I could only walk this road clinging to my Savior one moment at a time.
I was much like Peter walking on the water. There was nothing under me to catch me, and I was walking through a storm. I could walk on the water...as long as I had my focus on Jesus, but when I started looking at all the waves of my circumstances and all of the uncertainty about my future, I started to sink into hopelessness and despair. It was only when I turned to Him with complete trust for ALL of the moments of ALL my days that the cloud of despair lifted and hope returned.
I have to tell you there is a sweetness to life when there is nothing to catch you...no where to go...and you put your complete trust in God. My hope was no longer based on whether I regained my health or the circumstances around me changed. Being healthy (as much as I want it) is not my reward...not the basis for my hope. My hope is in the fact that I am not alone. He will never leave me. I can walk in His loving presence one moment at a time knowing one day I will not dwell in this temporary body, but a spiritual body in the presence of my God. Heaven is my hope.
Last winter was a dreadful winter. We had more snow than I have see in in my entire life. It was aweful!! In my garden, under the 20 inches of snow, I had a garden stone that said, "HOPE." I had put it in my garden the previous summer to remind me of "my hope." After a snow storm, my husband walked through the garden with the snow waist-high, and unknowingly stepped on the "hope stone." Weeks later, when the snow melted, I found my hope stone...fake stone "shattered." I was a little distraught...I had become attached to this tangible reminder of hope. Then, I began to laugh and teased my husband that he had "shattered my hope." Days later, the thought came to me....my fake stone is a good representation of all the things on which we base our hope in this world. They can all be shattered, and they can all be taken away. God is the true Rock on which I can stand. A place where I can place my hope and it will never be shattered. May my hope always be in the Lord.
(Psalm 33:20-22) "We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."
(Psalm 92:15)..."The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in Him."
(Psalm 42:11)"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
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