Pain-Free

I wrote the following in my journal this summer as I sat with pain...

Isn't that all we really want...the absence of pain?  We seek pleasure to lessen or mask the pain. We seek fame to lessen the pain of feeling inadequate, unworthy, unloved.  We seek health to avoid the pain of sickness. We seek wealth to avoid the pain of want and hunger.  We seek love to heal the pain of rejection.  We seek companionship and friendship to lessen the pain of being alone.  Pain...it is hard to avoid...even though we try desperately.  It follows us from childhood into adulthood.  It shadows us as we live our lives through tragedy, disappointment, loss, betrayal, sickness.  We try to mask it, muffle it, numb it, but it is always there.  Certain experiences make it louder...so loud that we can hardly bear the noise of our hearts and body as they cry.  Certain experiences make it more distant, less visceral so that we can barely hear the pain at all.  We try to run, but it follows.  We try to stamp it out, but it survives.  We try to mute it, but it will not be silenced.

So Pain...you are a companion on this road of life. I can either despise you and curse you, or I can sit with you...listen to the pulse of your reality.  Learn the lessons you have to teach.  Breathe in the wisdom that comes from your presence.  Look at the injustices and loss to which you point.

Oh! Yet, I long to be pain-free.  Free of pain.  As I speak those words, the tears flow.  What would that be like...What would I be like?  To not know pain...I would not be able to connect with the human experience. I would not have empathy, compassion...love.  Pain connects us, it unifies us. It drives us to heal, to change, to justice, to courage, to faith, to love.  It challenges us to rise above, to believe, to hope, to endure, to grow.

Wow!  Yes, pain makes us strong and yet, I have always seen it as a sign of weakness...yes, weakness, because it makes me feel vulnerable, out of control, frustrated and angry.  I view it as the enemy...a presence that wants to steal my joy and extinguish my life.  I view it as a state of being alone, not safe that I am not held.  Yet, pain does NOT mean that I am alone, forgotten, abandoned unloved or punished. In the midst of pain, I am still held by the One who knows my name, hears my cries and touches, feels my pain.

Hmmm..What if I were to view it as a friend rather than a foe?  Is that possible?  Could I see it as a life-giving force...as pain gives way to life in childbirth? Could I see it as a companion whose goal is to free me rather than consume me?  A force of life that moves me from what was to what could be...A friend that alerts me to danger and the need for attention or intervention.  A process of healing; a process of restoration; a process of life.  For without pain, I would not learn, I would not strive, I would not rest, I would not grow, I would not heal.

Okay Pain, may your presence be a reminder of all that I have gained rather than all I have lost.  A reminder of my humanity and the process of healing that connects my heart to others.  A reminder of my complete dependence and need for my Creator...the One who sustains me, loves me, comforts me, provides for me and heals me as I walk through this world of pain.

I KNOW

It is has been four years since I last posted.  Incredible.  I have spent the last four years continuing to tweak meds/supplements/herbs and heal.  I was recently told by my doctor that I am in remission.  Those beautiful words...remission!!  I celebrated! I cried! I sighed with relief!

It makes me sad to know that there are many who are struggling. As I look through my journal, there is an entry from 2011 that screams at me.  It gives a peak into the pain I faced and many others face on a daily basis. I will never forget.  If you are struggling, I want you to know. You are not alone because there are others who know...

I Know...

I know what it is like to have your world turned upside down...to have no hope...to so badly want what was..to have your health back...the norm...that which has been lost.  I know what it is like to watch other so easily go on with their lives...to have the strength to do things they seem to take for granted or even dread, and yet, you would love to walk in their shoes and have their health for just one day.  I know what it is like to feel as though no one really understands what it is like.. to not even have the option of going to the grocery store or doing laundry, or even sit up for long periods of time. Feeling as though no one understands is a lonely place.  I know what it is like to feel you are a burden...to not be able to contribute to the family, to not be able to volunteer at the school, not be able to fix the meal for a sick friend because you are the sick friend.  I know what it feels like to look in the mirror and not recognize the reflection looking back at you because your body has become so emaciated, pale and frail despite how hard you are fighting this disease.  I know what it is like to endure pain day after day and have no hope it will ever stop or improve.  I know what it is like to feel as though you are a failure as a wife because you are watching your husband desperately hold it all together and there is nothing you can do to ease his burden.  I know what it is like to feel as though you are a failure as a parent..to not be able to run with your children at the playground or take them shopping for the clothes they need or be present at back to school night. I know what it feels like to wonder if you matter anymore.  I know what it is like to feel as though you are half dead...only partially alive...that you have been robbed of your life.  I know what it feels like to wonder if you will survive,,,wonder if you will see your children grow into adulthood and have the influence and ability to care for them as they grow. I know what it is like to feel completely out of control...unable to control your ability to do anything because you never know what your body will allow.  I know what it is like to lose the respect of others...especially doctors...who don't understand Lyme disease...to have doctors not see the vibrant person...the real you who wants to be well again.  They are unable to see how far you have fallen.  They only seem to see a weak, frail, helpless, sick person who they don't really know how to help.  I know what it is like to feel vulnerable and be personally striped down until there is nothing left to strip.  I know what it is like to feel desperate...to be willing to do anything to go anywhere in order to get the answers that will lead to healing.  I know what it feels like to give up...to see no end to the pain...no end to the desperation.  I know what it is like to feel defeated and exhausted because the answers are not giving any relief.  I know what it is like to feel angry...SO angry that life isn't working out the way I had planned.  I know what it feels like to wonder..."Why me?"  I know...

The Gift of the Moment

When I began blogging four years ago, I knew nothing about the blogging world. A friend of mine suggested I blog while I was undergoing treatment as a way to let everyone in my life know my progress and how to pray for me. It was to be a temporary tool to efficiently communicate with friends and family. Slowly, it has become much more to me. Now, it is a place where I will give health updates, but I am also compelled to share the ways God has so graciously guided me along this healing road. My prayer is that this blog is a place for others to find encouragement and hope for their lives.

Well, I must admit...I still don't know much about the world of blogging. So, a few days ago, I decided to "explore" a little bit. I began reading the blogs of a few Christian women who were sharing about their families, Easter traditions and how they manage their homes. The pictures of their Easter was beautiful...a picture perfect family. Then, my heat sank...

I thought of the women who were unable to get out of bed on Easter, unable to hide their children's Easter eggs, unable to find the perfect outfits, unable to make the perfect Easter dinner and I cried. I cried because I know how it feels to watch others so effortlessly move through their lives and be unable to do the same.

If you are reading this and struggling because your body is unable to "do" all of the perfect things. Please take heart. God has not forgotten you. He sees you. He knows you. He hears you, and He cares about every tear that falls. You are not alone. He hasn't overlooked you or your family.

It is so easy to compare ourselves to others...to judge the moments of our life. Don't look for the "perfect" moments. Don't judge or compare. Embrace the single, simple beautiful moments and gifts from His hand. Look at what you "have" instead of focusing on what you've "lost." Don't compare...don't look for perfect. Look for the gifts God gives you in every moment...the smile on your child's face, the hugs and kisses,the words of love, being with family regardless of the activity..being together. These are His perfect gifts for you and your family. Embrace your moments with thanksgiving...instead of judgement or regret...and you will begin to see the gifts.

Embracing the moment with thanksgiving allows us to see the gifts...living fully present in the moment allows us to experience the gifts they hold. Don't minimize or begrudge your moments because they aren't like the experiences of yesterday. You have been given today! Embrace "your" life and live in it. You aren't only "half" alive because you are sick. You are fully alive! You have been given the opportunity to live today...in this moment. Live your moments to the fullest, and be FULLY present in them. Experience them; taste them..they matter!

Yes, your moments really matter. You still matter and what you are able to give...YOU...matters greatly to your family. They don't want perfection...they want YOU! Give YOU! If you are able to love...give it...it matters! It makes a huge difference. Your life still has impact and meaning. All of your moments matter. So, embrace them...don't judge or compare them; be fully present in them; know they matter..they are gifts.

The Gift of Love

What a precious gift! Love is a funny thing. It can't be earned. It can only be given. However, the way love had worked in my life...or my concept of love had always been based on my ability to perform, achieve, obtain... to be worthy of it. It was like chasing the wind. I was trying to be worthy of a gift that is only given unconditionally. Even if someone loved me unconditionally, I could not benefit from their gift because my efforts were "there" to take credit for it. The deep belief was..."I had to earn love...people gave me love because of the efforts on which I had learned to rely for acceptance and love."

Many years ago, I came to an incredible place of seeing God's grace and unconditional love for me with fresh eyes and a new understanding. It was incredibly freeing and healing! However, my self effort and striving to earn love and acceptance from people was very much intact. I didn't even realize how intact or strong those walls where until they started coming down "brick by brick."

All of the masks, efforts, pretense...I put forth with the hope of being loved/accepted by others was slowly but surely stripped away. I was unable to measure up, perform, "do" the things that might earn me favor from others. I was vulnerable...very vulnerable.

One of the most difficult bricks to fall was the drastic change in my appearance. I was so thin...it was scary. My face was thin, grey and pale. In addition, I had lost my front tooth, and for a few weeks, I didn't have a replacement. I had to see people and go to doctor appointments without a tooth...and looking very frail. There were moments I would take a second look in the mirror because I didn't recognize the reflection I saw. My belief that I had to look a certain way to be valued and loved was challenged to the core.

Even though I felt incredibly vulnerable, and didn't have my "effort,mask or tooth" to present to the world, I am so thankful....I was embraced and loved by my family and friends!! It was the first time in my life I had no choice but to risk and let the unconditional love of others touch my heart. My walls had crumbled.

My incredible husband had told me for years he would always love me, but now, I could see his love did not waiver....regardless of my weakness, appearance or vulnerability. Now, it had been tested...I really knew he loved "me."

My friends were also amazing...they loved me regardless of my condition. Yes, there were friends who didn't understand and weren't there for me, but I quickly learned who really loved me....not my effort or masks...me. I am so blessed to have so many friends who wrapped their arms around me in love.

I am thankful for this gift of being loved for me...it is unconditional. Love is by nature...unconditional. To place a condition on love violates the very nature of love. I finally learned..."to accept love based on my efforts/mask would never allow my heart to know the love it truly desired."

It just so happens that today is Good Friday. The day of ultimate sacrifice and unconditional love for mankind. Jesus died not because we are "worthy" of His love based on our efforts. The Bible says, "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8). He died for us because He saw the worth of His creation...made in His image, and He loved us. He desired to reconcile the ones He loved so unconditionally back to Himself. It is just mind blowing to think....Jesus died on the cross because (just like my husband and friends) He loved "me"...not my efforts, masks or gifts...just because He loved "me." What an amazing gift of love!

The Gift of God's Presence

April 7, 2008....I was walking out the door to catch a flight to Reno, Nevada for lyme treatment. I quickly skimmed my bookshelf looking for a book to read on the plane. The only requirement....it needed to be small enough to fit into my purse...the smaller the better. In my haste, without much thought, I picked up a small paperback I purchased years earlier and had not read. It was called, Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. I heard it was a good book, and I was intrigued by the title. So, maybe it was time to finally read it...not much else to do while on the plane. Why not?

Not only did I read it on the plane, I read it in the quiet, lonely moments of treatment when it was just me and God. The book beautifully described the relationship Brother Lawrence had with God. He was a monk, who lived in the 17th century, in a monastery. He was a cook in the kitchen of the monastery. Even though he worked amongst the hustle and bustle of cooking and serving meals (well...cooking creates lots of hustle and bustle in my house anyway!), his mind and thoughts constantly remained on God and the awareness of His presence. In the book, he talks about enjoying God's love and peace regardless of the circumstances or busyness around him. I was fascinated (and still fascinated)with his constant mental pursuit of God in His thoughts. It is reported that people enjoyed being around him, and he was a man full of peace and love. Wow!

When I came home, out of complete desperation, I "fell" into depending on God to lead me in the moments of my days. I began to realize I was more aware of His presence than I had ever been in my life. Instead of reading a devotional or Bible passage, and setting it aside to "get on with my day." The dialogue and dependence on God continued throughout my day. It started to click...I began to connect the dots, and I wondered..."could this be a small taste of what Brother Lawrence shared with God?" It didn't take valiant effort or duty or service on my part...only quiet cries for help and listening...meeting God in the moments of my life...in my weakness and stillness.

I am definitely not a monk in a monastery!! I would never compare myself to Brother Lawrence, but I think God knew the road I was taking and what He wanted to teach me. I believe He put that "small" book in my hands for a reason. He wanted to make the gift of His presence a reality in my life...not just a theological fact. Slowly, clinging to His presence, and talking with Him moment by moment, became the only way I could navigate during those difficult days. Sometimes I would question myself and pray..."God, I don't know of anyone else who asks you about each step of their day...am I on track?" or "God, how do I stay in communion with you as my life gets busier and not so small?" I wanted to read more.

Fast forward to Sept, 2009...I was at a local Christian Bookstore at the register checking out, and I saw a devotional book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I had not heard of the book. The prompting came, "Buy that devotional book." I thought, "I have sooo many devotional books at home with dust on them...that I don't read. Why would I buy another one to add to the stack? I don't know ANYTHING about this book!" The prompting continued. Finally, I bought the book, and thought..."at least it is on sale!"

I went home and began reading the devotional out of sheer curiosity. I quickly realized it is an incredible devotional book, and the answer to many of my questions about this new way to walk through life. The author talks over and over again about living in God's presence. Keeping our focus on God. It became a daily encouragement to me, and a confirmation of what God was teaching me over and over again. It gave me answers to my many questions about..."How do I enjoy God's presence in the "real world"...outside of my four walls or outside of a monastery?

I still read this devotional book on a regular basis, and this morning, April 1st, as I was contemplating writing about the gift of God's presence in my life, I read this...

Jesus Calling, April 1st...
"I AM CALLING YOU to a life of constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life. You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all. Talk with Me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me. A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if many things remain undone at the end of the day. Do not let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life. Instead, ask My spirit to guide you moment by moment. He will keep you close to Me."
I Thessalonians 5:17; Proverbs 3:6

When I read this devotional today...I just had to smile. I had already planned to blog about the gift of His presence in my life. Then, I read today's devotional. The devotional says it better than I could ever articulate. I read it...my heart was warmed, and I was encouraged to continue "basic training."

The Gift of Listening

As I reflect back on this journey, one of the most important lessons and gifts I have been given is the gift of listening. As I have mentioned many times, before my health crisis...I was twirling, I was so busy. My life consisted of reacting to the crisis at hand or my to-do-list. I was very task driven. The demands of life were screaming in my ears and there was so much noise.

Once my world stopped as I knew it, my life became very quiet. The demands of life were knocking at my door but I couldn't answer. My options of busyness where no longer. I was left with being in my own skin...being with myself and being with God. That may sound odd but there were no other distractions. Going to Target, volunteering at school, going to work wasn't a viable option for me. My world became very small, and my steps were very few.

I knew every step I did make was very important to the care of my family and my own recovery. Every step was precious energy...it could not be wasted. I was overwhelmed by this fact. So, from moment to moment, I began to ask God how to use my steps wisely. I knew I didn't know the big picture or even how to get from point A to point B. So, I asked God. I would wake up in the morning and and ask..."Father, what is next?" I would listen. Sometimes it was a prompting to check email, read a book that gave me more info about my recovery, make a phone call, or prepare a meal. When that task was done, I would ask God to show me the next. I lived moment by moment with no agenda....only to ask God for direction and follow His promptings. When I did go to the grocery store (for the first time in my life) I didn't take a grocery list. I would ask...what will we need? There were times I felt promptings to buy something...like construction paper, and would think...why in the world am I buying that?! Sure enough a few days later one of my kids would need construction paper!! I began to stop questioning and just listen.

How often, I have asked God, "What is next?" and wondered does He really care about the moments of my day? Will He really lead me? Then, I remember Psalm 139.

"Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths (even this illness!), you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. ALL THE DAYS ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you...Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

Reading these verses, I can never question how intimately He is involved in my steps. How incredible...He knows when I sit down and when I rise. Grant it...I was mostly sitting and not much rising, but HE knew!!! Wow!! So, I had my answer. Yes, He knows the details of my families needs, and the steps I take, and yes, He will lead me.

So yes, He did and (and still does) lead; however, it really required me to surrender MY agenda and MY way to Him. I would often think..."I really don't want to do this or that doesn't make any sense!!!" However, if I really wanted to listen...it was His voice I wanted to hear, not my own, so I had to give up my way to His direction. You know...even though I didn't always have a clean house or the things "I" thought were important. I always went to bed with the peace that God directed me and the important things were done....He knows better than I do.

As I was learning this new way to live, another question would often come to mind..."God is this your prompting?"

In I Kings 19:11-12, God is speaking to Elijah and the verses say, "'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave."

Elijah had his own experience with "Earth, Wind and Fire!" but God was not there. When Elijah heard the gentle whisper, He knew it was God.

I was not looking for big gestures or "signs..." I was just asking God for direction and listening for a gentle whisper. It was a walk of faith. Trusting that God was hearing and leading me, and the gentle promptings...His sweet voice....yes, as overwhelming as it is to write this and tears run down my face...I think...yes, He has lead me all this way...step by step each day. Jesus led me all the way. (Hmm...Reminds me of the old hymn).

Believe me! This was a radical change in the way I had always "done" life. Before, I was always thinking and trying to squeeze the most out of my hours in the day. I became a master at multi-tasking, and somehow thought this was a great accomplishment. All the while, I had no idea I was contributing to the break down of my immune system and health by putting so much stress on my body. As I get stronger, how easy it is for me to go back to the old way of living life...to walk in my own wisdom...instead of leaning in desperate dependence on God for each step. I long to never loose sight of this precious gift of listening.

The Gift of Obedience

One summer afternoon in 2008, I was coming home from a doctor's appointment, and I was exhausted. I had used all of my strength to get to the appointment and I was on empty. I was focused on getting home so I could get in bed and rest...I just wanted to be one with my bed! Finally, I was almost there. I was at the intersection in front of my neighborhood waiting for the light to turn green so I could make a left hand turn into my neighborhood. I was so happy my journey was almost done and my home and bed were not far away! As I waited impatiently for the light to turn green, I began to notice cars swirving in order to miss an object in the intersection. As I looked closer, I realized the object was a log! (I assumed it must have fallen from the back of a truck!) Everyone was navigating treacherously around it but no one stopped to move the log out of the intersection. I couldn't believe what I was seeing! No one cared about the danger this log posed. All I could think about was the fact that this log could cause a wreck and someone might really get hurt!! I said out loud, "Why doesn't someone DO something....and roll that log out of the way."

Then, there was a gentle prompting in my heart. "Ronda, why don't you move the log out of the road?" I was ready with my response... "I am really sick and so weak. I CAN'T move THAT log! I have a valid reason for not acting." Satisfied with my reasoning...the light turned green, and I made my left hand turn (navigating around the log)through the intersection and into my neighborhood. I put my sights on my home and getting into bed! I thought I was home free, but the prompting in my heart was only stronger..."Why don't you move that log?" Then I thought..."Is this prompting from God...really??" "God, do you want me to move that log out of the road....me??" I tried to ignore it again, but I knew in my heart that to go home and not move the log would be disobedience. I must admit I almost kept driving to my goal...home...but the thought came..."If I quench God's prompting this time...it will be so much easier to not listen the next time. Do I want to listen and obey or do I want to do life my way?" My way usually gets me into trouble. I knew I needed to turn my car around and go back to move the log. Finally, I turned my car around...I wish I could report that I happily turned my car around, but I was angry. I REALLY didn't want to go. Every step to the dr's office and back home was such an effort...how in the world was I going to move a log out of the road??!!!

I headed back to the intersection and manuvered my car until I was once again sitting in the left hand turn lane at the intersection. Cars were still swirving around the log...thankfully the traffic was light and no one had been hurt. This time, I turned on my hazard lights and put the car in park. As the traffic stopped for the red light, I walked into the intersection, bent down and began rolling the log out of the intersection into the grassy median. As it rolled, I began to laugh..what a sight I must have been! Hopefully, it was a pleasing sight of obedience to God. Once the log was secure, I went back to my car and made that left hand turn, for the second time, into my neighborhood.

I drove home with a smile on my face and a new energy. I listened....and obeyed. I acted in a situation and potentially prevented an accident. I may have helped someone else, but I also helped myself. I felt like I had re-entered the land of the living. Being so ill, I had began to feel like a bystandard watching as life happened around me. I felt powerless to change my situation or anything happening around me...much like a victim. That day I realized, I am ill and weak and cannot do everything I desire but I am not powerless...nor am I a victim. Although my steps may not be many, if I am listening and obeying the One who is making my path straight, my steps can make a difference for me and for others.

This was a turning point for me...the day I made a decision to begin listening and obeying...even if it seems crazy...or I don't feel like it. There have been so many voices and opinions along the way about how to treat lyme or my other diagnosis. At times, it has been incredibly overwhelming and confusing. Who do I listen to? What do I do? This lesson in listening and obeying has been crucial for me. As I have listened (to His promptings)and obeyed, God has again, and again been so faithful to show me the path of healing through specific doctors, exercise, diet, supplements, medications, and lifestyle. Obedience has been a healing road for me from the inside out...truly a gift!