Along this road I am on there have been days when I have lost hope. Hope was illusive. It was there one minute....then, it was gone. I remember purposely trying to cling to hope because the alternative was despair and darkness. Yet despair would often cloud my mind and take over my heart. Questions plagued me, "Will I get better?" "Will my health return?" "How long will I be in this condition?" We had already spent so much money, time and energy on doctor's visits, medications and regimens. Yet, I was not well. The thought of not getting better left me feeling hopeless.
Lyme disease is a crazy illness. There are so many different thoughts and opinions about treatments, prognosis, management, cure, and many of those opinions are in complete conflict. One doctor recommends antibiotics while other doctors oppose antibiotics and stress herbal treatments and other therapies. There is even suspicion and drama about whether lyme disease is a chronic condition. I don't like drama!! I like straight facts with a definite plan on which everyone understands and agrees....the ambiguity of it all is tiring and stressful. So, when I was diagnosed with lyme disease I had NO idea what I was about to encounter. I just wanted an easy answer with a straight forward treatment. Instead, I was hit with a million conflicting opinions and complete horror stories of people who have never regained their health. I must admit...when I did not regain my health, and the months became years...I began to lose hope. I lost hope that I would make a full recovery...hope that I would ever live without pain or return to the life I once knew.
As my hope slipped away. I was sliding into despair. One day, I was standing in my kitchen...it is a moment I will never forget. I was crying out in my heart to God. I was saying, "God, I can't do this...I just can't do this anymore...please help me." At that very moment, God put a question in my heart. "Ronda, can you do this moment, this second...not two seconds from now, not two minutes from now...can you do just this moment?" I pondered the question. Somehow, a weight had been lifted. It seemed tolerable and manageable. I felt the grace and strength for that one moment. I began to cry, and I replied, "Yes, I can do this moment only if you are with me...only if you sustain me." "I don't know if I can do seconds from now, but I can do this moment." Then, the thoughts came, "You don't need to worry about grace or hope for two seconds, two minutes or two hours from now. Just let me hold you in this moment and I will take care of the the rest of your moments too." It was there...in that place...in that exchange...that I realized I could only walk this road clinging to my Savior one moment at a time.
I was much like Peter walking on the water. There was nothing under me to catch me, and I was walking through a storm. I could walk on the water...as long as I had my focus on Jesus, but when I started looking at all the waves of my circumstances and all of the uncertainty about my future, I started to sink into hopelessness and despair. It was only when I turned to Him with complete trust for ALL of the moments of ALL my days that the cloud of despair lifted and hope returned.
I have to tell you there is a sweetness to life when there is nothing to catch you...no where to go...and you put your complete trust in God. My hope was no longer based on whether I regained my health or the circumstances around me changed. Being healthy (as much as I want it) is not my reward...not the basis for my hope. My hope is in the fact that I am not alone. He will never leave me. I can walk in His loving presence one moment at a time knowing one day I will not dwell in this temporary body, but a spiritual body in the presence of my God. Heaven is my hope.
Last winter was a dreadful winter. We had more snow than I have see in in my entire life. It was aweful!! In my garden, under the 20 inches of snow, I had a garden stone that said, "HOPE." I had put it in my garden the previous summer to remind me of "my hope." After a snow storm, my husband walked through the garden with the snow waist-high, and unknowingly stepped on the "hope stone." Weeks later, when the snow melted, I found my hope stone...fake stone "shattered." I was a little distraught...I had become attached to this tangible reminder of hope. Then, I began to laugh and teased my husband that he had "shattered my hope." Days later, the thought came to me....my fake stone is a good representation of all the things on which we base our hope in this world. They can all be shattered, and they can all be taken away. God is the true Rock on which I can stand. A place where I can place my hope and it will never be shattered. May my hope always be in the Lord.
(Psalm 33:20-22) "We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."
(Psalm 92:15)..."The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in Him."
(Psalm 42:11)"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
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Thank you for your blog! I contracted lyme disease about three months ago and it's becoming clear that the healing process may be a lot longer and complicated than I had expected. Considering everything that I've already been through in this season of my life and the holistic healing that I have been praying for, lyme disease was a frustrating blow. Your blog on hope caught my eye because hope is what has kept me moving for the past seven years. I recently realized that G-d has given me the gift of hope. I have lost so much hope over these years, but it never entirely goes away. Without that hope, the hope that Hashem has great things planned for my future, I don't know that I would even be here today. Appropriately, my Hebrew name, Tikvah, means hope. I'm Jewish, so I cannot relate to your perspective of who G-d is (J.C. isn't apart of my theology), but I can relate to your journey and connection with G-d. I liked the part about your experience in the kitchen. I pray for your recovery.
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