I wrote the following in my journal this summer as I sat with pain...
Isn't that all we really want...the absence of pain? We seek pleasure to lessen or mask the pain. We seek fame to lessen the pain of feeling inadequate, unworthy, unloved. We seek health to avoid the pain of sickness. We seek wealth to avoid the pain of want and hunger. We seek love to heal the pain of rejection. We seek companionship and friendship to lessen the pain of being alone. Pain...it is hard to avoid...even though we try desperately. It follows us from childhood into adulthood. It shadows us as we live our lives through tragedy, disappointment, loss, betrayal, sickness. We try to mask it, muffle it, numb it, but it is always there. Certain experiences make it louder...so loud that we can hardly bear the noise of our hearts and body as they cry. Certain experiences make it more distant, less visceral so that we can barely hear the pain at all. We try to run, but it follows. We try to stamp it out, but it survives. We try to mute it, but it will not be silenced.
So Pain...you are a companion on this road of life. I can either despise you and curse you, or I can sit with you...listen to the pulse of your reality. Learn the lessons you have to teach. Breathe in the wisdom that comes from your presence. Look at the injustices and loss to which you point.
Oh! Yet, I long to be pain-free. Free of pain. As I speak those words, the tears flow. What would that be like...What would I be like? To not know pain...I would not be able to connect with the human experience. I would not have empathy, compassion...love. Pain connects us, it unifies us. It drives us to heal, to change, to justice, to courage, to faith, to love. It challenges us to rise above, to believe, to hope, to endure, to grow.
Wow! Yes, pain makes us strong and yet, I have always seen it as a sign of weakness...yes, weakness, because it makes me feel vulnerable, out of control, frustrated and angry. I view it as the enemy...a presence that wants to steal my joy and extinguish my life. I view it as a state of being alone, not safe that I am not held. Yet, pain does NOT mean that I am alone, forgotten, abandoned unloved or punished. In the midst of pain, I am still held by the One who knows my name, hears my cries and touches, feels my pain.
Hmmm..What if I were to view it as a friend rather than a foe? Is that possible? Could I see it as a life-giving force...as pain gives way to life in childbirth? Could I see it as a companion whose goal is to free me rather than consume me? A force of life that moves me from what was to what could be...A friend that alerts me to danger and the need for attention or intervention. A process of healing; a process of restoration; a process of life. For without pain, I would not learn, I would not strive, I would not rest, I would not grow, I would not heal.
Okay Pain, may your presence be a reminder of all that I have gained rather than all I have lost. A reminder of my humanity and the process of healing that connects my heart to others. A reminder of my complete dependence and need for my Creator...the One who sustains me, loves me, comforts me, provides for me and heals me as I walk through this world of pain.
4 comments:
Ronda! This SO spoke to me, right here, right now. You say, "For without pain, I would not learn, I would not strive, I would not rest, I would not grow, I would not heal." Yes and Amen!
Ok, so perhaps during this season of my personal pain and discomfort, I can embrace pain more as a friend instead of a foe, as Christ transforms me, little by little, in His image. Was it not Christ who left the comforts of Heaven to endure the pain of humanity? Isn't it all but light and momentary afflictions? Yes, it all is! So I vow to befriend pain... Until it smacks me in the head again like a panic attack in the middle of a crowded mall... :-)
THANK YOU for sharing, for this has truly been an encouragement. And I humbly request your prayers for submission to God and His work in my life... and I will pray for you, too. God bless you, Ronda! Misty
I am so glad that you came back to blog and that I came back and found this here! I wonder where you are now?! If you have gotten well, come back and tell us how! I came across your blog I don't know how many years ago now and your writing was healing to me, because I shared in your suffering and still do. It is so hard to have pain that just won't seem to leave, and recently I realized that the way that we all interact with one another has a lot to do with trying to ease pain, some of which we don't even realize we are carrying. I am thankful to read your post and be reminded of how our Savior endured our suffering for us, and that we truly aren't alone in the sufferings we experience. I hope that you are experiencing joy and healing right now wherever you are. Thanks for sharing what you have to encourage others you may have no idea you have encouraged along the journey.
Hello sweet friend, I am reading your comment much after the fact. Thank you for inquiring about me. I have gained a level of health and relief for which I am so grateful. I continue to have health challenges and seek answers. It truly has been a healing road. I continue to take herbs and supportive supplements/food to nurture my immune system and have good days sprinkled with hard. I have healed enough that I have written a book called Dear Susan, Letters for women facing a life-changing illness that will be coming out June 2021, and I am mentoring women who are dealing with life-changing illness through a podcast called Awaken to Hope (coming April 2021) and individual mentoring. I hope to hear from you there! I hope this finds you well and healing.
Your encouraging words mean so much to me. It is my prayer that I can in some small way comfort others with the same comfort I have received. Blessings to you!
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