The Gift of Joy

As 2007 turned into 2008, I became sicker and sicker. I was shuffled from doctor to doctor and no one could tell me why I was so weak, in pain, had flu symptoms, fevers, chills, ect... During that time I was gradually stripped of all my activities. My world was becoming very small. My "quality of life" was changing. I wasn't able to do all of the things wives and mommys do. I was becoming more dependent on my sweet husband and friends. I didn't have choices...the choice to go to the store or for a walk or to the mailbox. My life had so drastically changed. I remember thinking, "I am breathing, but I feel as though I am only partially alive." It was as if I didn't have as "much" life as the healthy people around me because I couldn't "do" all of things I once could do. I remember wondering, "When will I get my life back." Then, the thought came to me..."Wait a minute! I have my life...I may not be strong, but I am just as "ALIVE" as the person who can work a full day and take care of errands too! I can no longer measure my quality of life by what I can 'do.' I will be alive until I take my last breath...so I need to savor every bit of life I am given, and CELEBRATE the fact that I am ALIVE... and embrace the joy found in just...being."

It was with this new sense of appreciation for life that I began to see my life differently. I had physically lost my strength...my ability to achieve. However, there was a new sense of "being"...the ability to taste life I had never understood before. I was no longer focusing on what I didn't have and so very thankful for what I have been given. I was enjoying the moments of my life...and with this came a new sense of joy...A JOY I had not understood. One night(when I was at my worst physically) I was having a simple dinner with my family, and I became so overwhelmed with a sense of joy!! It wasn't because I had fixed the perfect dinner or my children were using proper table manners or that I was physically better. It was as if I suddenly had eyes to see the beauty of what was right in front of me. It was pure joy to be present in the moment with my family... to bask in the sweetness of the love I felt. I thought, "I have sat in this same chair so many times...worried about getting 'to the next thing'...preoccupied...or demanding certain expectations". I was too sick to demand. I was just content to soak it in...I felt joy...the joy found in celebrating the fact that you are alive and able to be with those you love.

It is no coincidence that God has this lesson for me. In November 2006, I wrote the following entry in my journal... " Today I had a moment when I felt happy and peaceful. I was truly enjoying the moment. I felt joy. It felt different. I noted it. It was as if a fog was lifted. I felt more fully alive. I often feel happy about things or for other people, but this wasn't about an event or a person this was just about me ...in my own skin...in the moment... Am I missing the boat? Life is too short to just make it through it...It's not that I am not happy, but so much of my life is marked by the emotional state of enduring, making it through the challenges and struggles of the moment or "phases of life." Today, I wasn't doing anything exceptional, I was running errands, but I wasn't struggling, striving, pushing toward anything. I was just willing to take the day as it came. I want to see life through this lens more often. A place of tasting, enjoying and savoring life...living in the moment and enjoying it."

After I wrote this journal entry, my life went back to the normal "struggling and striving," but I became fascinated with the word joy and the word kept "popping up" in my life. It seemed as though I saw the word everywhere! I ask God to show me what it meant to truly have JOY. In the coming months, I purchased a plaque that had a quote by Mother Teresa. It says, "Joy is strength; Joy is prayer; Joy is love." I didn't understand what it meant, but I hung it in my kitchen, and I pondered it. Now, years later...it has true meaning. This is the joy I have come to experience. Joy is strength...no, not physical strength, but the strength to walk in God's grace moment by moment with Him...seeing the beautiful gifts in life He has for me. Joy is prayer...No, not the "lay me down to sleep prayer", but the cries of my heart that are comforted by His love and presence. Joy is love...No, not the love based on achievement or conditions, but the simple yet, profound love I experienced at the dinner table with my family a few years ago, and the everlasting, endless love of my Savior.

No, my health and life are far from perfect I have moments of sadness, frustration and loss, but I long to never forget how incredible it is to still be breathing...taking in "moments" of my life, and the joy that comes with this perspecitve. Yes, I was striped of my health and my ability to "do", but I wasn't striped of my "quality of life." Infact, I was given the eyes to see the beauty of life, and I was given the gift of joy!

Gotta tell the story

Yes, I have had a nagging feeling for months that I "gotta tell the story." The story of my recovery, but more importantly the story of how I walked throught the darkest days of my life. Honestly, I haven't wanted to tell the story. Somehow, telling the story takes me back to it. It takes me back to the pain, the despair, the fear, the weakness, the rawness I felt for so long. I so desperately yearned for some sense of "normalcy" (whatever that is). Gradually, the normalcy came...I have regained a normal life. I feel as though I am on guard...watching carefully for anything that could threaten to steal or take away this mundane, regular, beautiful "normal" life. Telling the story is uncomfortable and yes, somehow, it threatens my urgency, desire...my longing for normal.

However, there is a consistent feeling that I have left something undone. My heart is not at rest and it will only be satisfied by listening...just doing what I feel God wants me to do. I recently shared this, "gotta tell the story" feeling with a group of women with whom I regularly meet for Bible Study. A dear friend said to me, "Ronda, when you came back from treatment in Reno you didn't look like yourself and I cried. Now, your are 'back' and you have come so far. I think your story could be helpful to anyone going through your experience." I took her words to heart. She is right...there is a story to tell.

It's not that I want to forget this chapter. (Infact, I am still in this chapter...I just had an MRI and a dr. appt today...taking more meds and trying new regimens. I am still recovering.) I have learned some of the most amazing lessons of my life. I have learned to live and see life in ways I NEVER want to forget...I never want to lose these lessons. Maybe, this is part of the urgency to tell my story. If I write down the lessons learned, maybe, just maybe, they won't be so quickly lost. I don't want to forget...I always want to be connected to the beauty that has come from the darkness.

So, with a new resolve and purpose...and by God's grace...I am ready. I am ready to reflect, cry, feel and look back on the darkness...not as a threat to my desire for normalcy, but as a way to write about God's incredible love and sustaining grace during an incredibly dark chapter of my life. I have no idea what will be shared. I don't have an agenda. I just gotta tell the story.