Yes, I have had a nagging feeling for months that I "gotta tell the story." The story of my recovery, but more importantly the story of how I walked throught the darkest days of my life. Honestly, I haven't wanted to tell the story. Somehow, telling the story takes me back to it. It takes me back to the pain, the despair, the fear, the weakness, the rawness I felt for so long. I so desperately yearned for some sense of "normalcy" (whatever that is). Gradually, the normalcy came...I have regained a normal life. I feel as though I am on guard...watching carefully for anything that could threaten to steal or take away this mundane, regular, beautiful "normal" life. Telling the story is uncomfortable and yes, somehow, it threatens my urgency, desire...my longing for normal.
However, there is a consistent feeling that I have left something undone. My heart is not at rest and it will only be satisfied by listening...just doing what I feel God wants me to do. I recently shared this, "gotta tell the story" feeling with a group of women with whom I regularly meet for Bible Study. A dear friend said to me, "Ronda, when you came back from treatment in Reno you didn't look like yourself and I cried. Now, your are 'back' and you have come so far. I think your story could be helpful to anyone going through your experience." I took her words to heart. She is right...there is a story to tell.
It's not that I want to forget this chapter. (Infact, I am still in this chapter...I just had an MRI and a dr. appt today...taking more meds and trying new regimens. I am still recovering.) I have learned some of the most amazing lessons of my life. I have learned to live and see life in ways I NEVER want to forget...I never want to lose these lessons. Maybe, this is part of the urgency to tell my story. If I write down the lessons learned, maybe, just maybe, they won't be so quickly lost. I don't want to forget...I always want to be connected to the beauty that has come from the darkness.
So, with a new resolve and purpose...and by God's grace...I am ready. I am ready to reflect, cry, feel and look back on the darkness...not as a threat to my desire for normalcy, but as a way to write about God's incredible love and sustaining grace during an incredibly dark chapter of my life. I have no idea what will be shared. I don't have an agenda. I just gotta tell the story.
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3 comments:
So glad you are starting to share again.. you're a beautiful friend.
Ronda, All I can say is "thank you" for sharing your journey. I am at an emotional low point in my recovery of late stage Lyme. I recently started to search for a support group but as you wrote, some days just getting out of bed is a monumental feat. So I came across your Blog and can relate to most of your experience. Thanks again! I wish you all the best.
Donnetta, Thank you for writing. I am sorry to hear you are at such a low point. I pray that something you read will encourage your heart. Blessings to you!
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