My last blog was about hope. The fact is...the only way I have been able to hold onto hope is to stay in the moment with complete trust that GOD is holding me, and all my future moments, in His loving care. This new awareness and need for GOD in the moments of my life, has gradually turned into a continual dialogue with GOD about EVERYTHING that is happening (or in some cases not happening!) in my day no matter how little or how big.
In 2008, when I was at my worst, I couldn't even raise my arms to blow dry my hair. Believe me! There were ALOT of things that where "not happening." Do you remember my blog, "You Don't Look Sick," and the "Spoon Theory?" I wrote about the fact that when one struggles with a chronic condition, physical energy is a limited commodity, and one never knows when the "spoons" of energy will be gone. They may be back in bed by 9:00 AM, and their strength may literally be "spent." With this new understanding of my body, I had to let go of ALL expectations of my day or myself, and I began asking God, "What do YOU have for me in this moment?" "How should I spend my spoons of energy?" With my day completely surrendered and no agenda, in the stillness...I felt gentle promptings toward specific things. The prompting may be to make an appointment with a doctor, read a book, sweep the kitchen floor or simply rest. I began to live from my heart and the gentle promptings instead of the crazy worry and "logic" of my own reasoning.
You know, it really was freeing knowing GOD knew what needed to happen from day to day. He knew where He was taking me and what my body, soul and spirit needed in order to heal. He also knew the needs of my family. At the end of the day, no...I didn't have the "to-do-list" completed. Yes, there were always things left undone, but there was no guilt or worry. I knew God had walked me through the moments of my day. It actually became exciting! I love spontaneity and each day was full of surprises. I never knew exactly how the day would go. Yes, there were promptings to do things I REALLY didn't want to do...but there was no procrastination (which I am so good at!) I was just listening, seeking and asking God to lead me...taking it one moment at a time.
One summer afternoon in 2008, I needed to meet up with a friend a few miles from my house. She was bringing me groceries, (I have such wonderful friends!!) but due to time constraints she was unable to deliver the groceries to my house...so, we chose a convenient meeting place near the local interstate. I was so very weak, and had only driven a few times since coming home from Reno. The idea of navigating the interstate was too much...sitting up in my car was a challenge within itself! As I left my neighborhood, I said to God, "My brain is in such a fog and I feel so weak. I need a back road to get to my destination. Please show me what to do!" I felt a gentle nudging to take an immediate right turn. I thought....I must have heard wrong! This is crazy! I can't get there by turning right, but I was learning to trust those promptings so, I turned right. Immediately, I looked up and there was a beautiful eagle soaring above me. It was soaring low and I was amazed at the wing span. It was completely breathtaking. I said out loud, "Is that an eagle?" I felt like God was saying, "Yes, Ronda that is an eagle." I started to argue...that CAN'T be an eagle...we don't have eagles around here." It was as if God said...."Go with it Ronda...Trust me on this one...it's an eagle!"
Then, the arguing stopped. A verse came to my mind, "They that wait (or hope in) on the Lord, He will renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31) God said to my heart, "Ronda, your complete trust and dependence on me for each moment of your day...to even make this right turn...this is what it means to soar...you are soaring." I started to cry! I had always wondered what this verse in Isaiah REALLY meant. I didn't know what it looked like in a practical way in my life. Now, my heart understood. I just needed to spread my wings and stop trying to make sense of it all...stop trying to control the future...stay in the moment and just let God carry me.
As all of these thoughts were going on inside of me, through the tears, I noticed a brand new road that had been opened while I was in Reno. I turned onto the new road, and it was a "back road" that lead me to my destination. The "crazy" right turn...was not so crazy after all. Yes, God was carrying me.
Since that day, when I leave my house, I look up and inevitably, I will see a hawk soaring above. The prompting comes to my heart..."Ronda, just soar." It is a beautiful and gentle reminder to not "run" in my own strength...just be in the moment with God and let him take care of all of my worries...just soar.
Love to all!
Ronda
One more thing! A few days ago I was having lunch with neighbors and they began talking about the eagle's nests that are in our neighborhood....Who knew?! I guess God was right...it was an eagle!
Proverbs 3:5-8 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowlege Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body, and refreshment to your bones."
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
"Shattered" Hope
Along this road I am on there have been days when I have lost hope. Hope was illusive. It was there one minute....then, it was gone. I remember purposely trying to cling to hope because the alternative was despair and darkness. Yet despair would often cloud my mind and take over my heart. Questions plagued me, "Will I get better?" "Will my health return?" "How long will I be in this condition?" We had already spent so much money, time and energy on doctor's visits, medications and regimens. Yet, I was not well. The thought of not getting better left me feeling hopeless.
Lyme disease is a crazy illness. There are so many different thoughts and opinions about treatments, prognosis, management, cure, and many of those opinions are in complete conflict. One doctor recommends antibiotics while other doctors oppose antibiotics and stress herbal treatments and other therapies. There is even suspicion and drama about whether lyme disease is a chronic condition. I don't like drama!! I like straight facts with a definite plan on which everyone understands and agrees....the ambiguity of it all is tiring and stressful. So, when I was diagnosed with lyme disease I had NO idea what I was about to encounter. I just wanted an easy answer with a straight forward treatment. Instead, I was hit with a million conflicting opinions and complete horror stories of people who have never regained their health. I must admit...when I did not regain my health, and the months became years...I began to lose hope. I lost hope that I would make a full recovery...hope that I would ever live without pain or return to the life I once knew.
As my hope slipped away. I was sliding into despair. One day, I was standing in my kitchen...it is a moment I will never forget. I was crying out in my heart to God. I was saying, "God, I can't do this...I just can't do this anymore...please help me." At that very moment, God put a question in my heart. "Ronda, can you do this moment, this second...not two seconds from now, not two minutes from now...can you do just this moment?" I pondered the question. Somehow, a weight had been lifted. It seemed tolerable and manageable. I felt the grace and strength for that one moment. I began to cry, and I replied, "Yes, I can do this moment only if you are with me...only if you sustain me." "I don't know if I can do seconds from now, but I can do this moment." Then, the thoughts came, "You don't need to worry about grace or hope for two seconds, two minutes or two hours from now. Just let me hold you in this moment and I will take care of the the rest of your moments too." It was there...in that place...in that exchange...that I realized I could only walk this road clinging to my Savior one moment at a time.
I was much like Peter walking on the water. There was nothing under me to catch me, and I was walking through a storm. I could walk on the water...as long as I had my focus on Jesus, but when I started looking at all the waves of my circumstances and all of the uncertainty about my future, I started to sink into hopelessness and despair. It was only when I turned to Him with complete trust for ALL of the moments of ALL my days that the cloud of despair lifted and hope returned.
I have to tell you there is a sweetness to life when there is nothing to catch you...no where to go...and you put your complete trust in God. My hope was no longer based on whether I regained my health or the circumstances around me changed. Being healthy (as much as I want it) is not my reward...not the basis for my hope. My hope is in the fact that I am not alone. He will never leave me. I can walk in His loving presence one moment at a time knowing one day I will not dwell in this temporary body, but a spiritual body in the presence of my God. Heaven is my hope.
Last winter was a dreadful winter. We had more snow than I have see in in my entire life. It was aweful!! In my garden, under the 20 inches of snow, I had a garden stone that said, "HOPE." I had put it in my garden the previous summer to remind me of "my hope." After a snow storm, my husband walked through the garden with the snow waist-high, and unknowingly stepped on the "hope stone." Weeks later, when the snow melted, I found my hope stone...fake stone "shattered." I was a little distraught...I had become attached to this tangible reminder of hope. Then, I began to laugh and teased my husband that he had "shattered my hope." Days later, the thought came to me....my fake stone is a good representation of all the things on which we base our hope in this world. They can all be shattered, and they can all be taken away. God is the true Rock on which I can stand. A place where I can place my hope and it will never be shattered. May my hope always be in the Lord.
(Psalm 33:20-22) "We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."
(Psalm 92:15)..."The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in Him."
(Psalm 42:11)"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
Lyme disease is a crazy illness. There are so many different thoughts and opinions about treatments, prognosis, management, cure, and many of those opinions are in complete conflict. One doctor recommends antibiotics while other doctors oppose antibiotics and stress herbal treatments and other therapies. There is even suspicion and drama about whether lyme disease is a chronic condition. I don't like drama!! I like straight facts with a definite plan on which everyone understands and agrees....the ambiguity of it all is tiring and stressful. So, when I was diagnosed with lyme disease I had NO idea what I was about to encounter. I just wanted an easy answer with a straight forward treatment. Instead, I was hit with a million conflicting opinions and complete horror stories of people who have never regained their health. I must admit...when I did not regain my health, and the months became years...I began to lose hope. I lost hope that I would make a full recovery...hope that I would ever live without pain or return to the life I once knew.
As my hope slipped away. I was sliding into despair. One day, I was standing in my kitchen...it is a moment I will never forget. I was crying out in my heart to God. I was saying, "God, I can't do this...I just can't do this anymore...please help me." At that very moment, God put a question in my heart. "Ronda, can you do this moment, this second...not two seconds from now, not two minutes from now...can you do just this moment?" I pondered the question. Somehow, a weight had been lifted. It seemed tolerable and manageable. I felt the grace and strength for that one moment. I began to cry, and I replied, "Yes, I can do this moment only if you are with me...only if you sustain me." "I don't know if I can do seconds from now, but I can do this moment." Then, the thoughts came, "You don't need to worry about grace or hope for two seconds, two minutes or two hours from now. Just let me hold you in this moment and I will take care of the the rest of your moments too." It was there...in that place...in that exchange...that I realized I could only walk this road clinging to my Savior one moment at a time.
I was much like Peter walking on the water. There was nothing under me to catch me, and I was walking through a storm. I could walk on the water...as long as I had my focus on Jesus, but when I started looking at all the waves of my circumstances and all of the uncertainty about my future, I started to sink into hopelessness and despair. It was only when I turned to Him with complete trust for ALL of the moments of ALL my days that the cloud of despair lifted and hope returned.
I have to tell you there is a sweetness to life when there is nothing to catch you...no where to go...and you put your complete trust in God. My hope was no longer based on whether I regained my health or the circumstances around me changed. Being healthy (as much as I want it) is not my reward...not the basis for my hope. My hope is in the fact that I am not alone. He will never leave me. I can walk in His loving presence one moment at a time knowing one day I will not dwell in this temporary body, but a spiritual body in the presence of my God. Heaven is my hope.
Last winter was a dreadful winter. We had more snow than I have see in in my entire life. It was aweful!! In my garden, under the 20 inches of snow, I had a garden stone that said, "HOPE." I had put it in my garden the previous summer to remind me of "my hope." After a snow storm, my husband walked through the garden with the snow waist-high, and unknowingly stepped on the "hope stone." Weeks later, when the snow melted, I found my hope stone...fake stone "shattered." I was a little distraught...I had become attached to this tangible reminder of hope. Then, I began to laugh and teased my husband that he had "shattered my hope." Days later, the thought came to me....my fake stone is a good representation of all the things on which we base our hope in this world. They can all be shattered, and they can all be taken away. God is the true Rock on which I can stand. A place where I can place my hope and it will never be shattered. May my hope always be in the Lord.
(Psalm 33:20-22) "We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."
(Psalm 92:15)..."The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in Him."
(Psalm 42:11)"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
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