The Gift of Listening

As I reflect back on this journey, one of the most important lessons and gifts I have been given is the gift of listening. As I have mentioned many times, before my health crisis...I was twirling, I was so busy. My life consisted of reacting to the crisis at hand or my to-do-list. I was very task driven. The demands of life were screaming in my ears and there was so much noise.

Once my world stopped as I knew it, my life became very quiet. The demands of life were knocking at my door but I couldn't answer. My options of busyness where no longer. I was left with being in my own skin...being with myself and being with God. That may sound odd but there were no other distractions. Going to Target, volunteering at school, going to work wasn't a viable option for me. My world became very small, and my steps were very few.

I knew every step I did make was very important to the care of my family and my own recovery. Every step was precious energy...it could not be wasted. I was overwhelmed by this fact. So, from moment to moment, I began to ask God how to use my steps wisely. I knew I didn't know the big picture or even how to get from point A to point B. So, I asked God. I would wake up in the morning and and ask..."Father, what is next?" I would listen. Sometimes it was a prompting to check email, read a book that gave me more info about my recovery, make a phone call, or prepare a meal. When that task was done, I would ask God to show me the next. I lived moment by moment with no agenda....only to ask God for direction and follow His promptings. When I did go to the grocery store (for the first time in my life) I didn't take a grocery list. I would ask...what will we need? There were times I felt promptings to buy something...like construction paper, and would think...why in the world am I buying that?! Sure enough a few days later one of my kids would need construction paper!! I began to stop questioning and just listen.

How often, I have asked God, "What is next?" and wondered does He really care about the moments of my day? Will He really lead me? Then, I remember Psalm 139.

"Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths (even this illness!), you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. ALL THE DAYS ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you...Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

Reading these verses, I can never question how intimately He is involved in my steps. How incredible...He knows when I sit down and when I rise. Grant it...I was mostly sitting and not much rising, but HE knew!!! Wow!! So, I had my answer. Yes, He knows the details of my families needs, and the steps I take, and yes, He will lead me.

So yes, He did and (and still does) lead; however, it really required me to surrender MY agenda and MY way to Him. I would often think..."I really don't want to do this or that doesn't make any sense!!!" However, if I really wanted to listen...it was His voice I wanted to hear, not my own, so I had to give up my way to His direction. You know...even though I didn't always have a clean house or the things "I" thought were important. I always went to bed with the peace that God directed me and the important things were done....He knows better than I do.

As I was learning this new way to live, another question would often come to mind..."God is this your prompting?"

In I Kings 19:11-12, God is speaking to Elijah and the verses say, "'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave."

Elijah had his own experience with "Earth, Wind and Fire!" but God was not there. When Elijah heard the gentle whisper, He knew it was God.

I was not looking for big gestures or "signs..." I was just asking God for direction and listening for a gentle whisper. It was a walk of faith. Trusting that God was hearing and leading me, and the gentle promptings...His sweet voice....yes, as overwhelming as it is to write this and tears run down my face...I think...yes, He has lead me all this way...step by step each day. Jesus led me all the way. (Hmm...Reminds me of the old hymn).

Believe me! This was a radical change in the way I had always "done" life. Before, I was always thinking and trying to squeeze the most out of my hours in the day. I became a master at multi-tasking, and somehow thought this was a great accomplishment. All the while, I had no idea I was contributing to the break down of my immune system and health by putting so much stress on my body. As I get stronger, how easy it is for me to go back to the old way of living life...to walk in my own wisdom...instead of leaning in desperate dependence on God for each step. I long to never loose sight of this precious gift of listening.

The Gift of Obedience

One summer afternoon in 2008, I was coming home from a doctor's appointment, and I was exhausted. I had used all of my strength to get to the appointment and I was on empty. I was focused on getting home so I could get in bed and rest...I just wanted to be one with my bed! Finally, I was almost there. I was at the intersection in front of my neighborhood waiting for the light to turn green so I could make a left hand turn into my neighborhood. I was so happy my journey was almost done and my home and bed were not far away! As I waited impatiently for the light to turn green, I began to notice cars swirving in order to miss an object in the intersection. As I looked closer, I realized the object was a log! (I assumed it must have fallen from the back of a truck!) Everyone was navigating treacherously around it but no one stopped to move the log out of the intersection. I couldn't believe what I was seeing! No one cared about the danger this log posed. All I could think about was the fact that this log could cause a wreck and someone might really get hurt!! I said out loud, "Why doesn't someone DO something....and roll that log out of the way."

Then, there was a gentle prompting in my heart. "Ronda, why don't you move the log out of the road?" I was ready with my response... "I am really sick and so weak. I CAN'T move THAT log! I have a valid reason for not acting." Satisfied with my reasoning...the light turned green, and I made my left hand turn (navigating around the log)through the intersection and into my neighborhood. I put my sights on my home and getting into bed! I thought I was home free, but the prompting in my heart was only stronger..."Why don't you move that log?" Then I thought..."Is this prompting from God...really??" "God, do you want me to move that log out of the road....me??" I tried to ignore it again, but I knew in my heart that to go home and not move the log would be disobedience. I must admit I almost kept driving to my goal...home...but the thought came..."If I quench God's prompting this time...it will be so much easier to not listen the next time. Do I want to listen and obey or do I want to do life my way?" My way usually gets me into trouble. I knew I needed to turn my car around and go back to move the log. Finally, I turned my car around...I wish I could report that I happily turned my car around, but I was angry. I REALLY didn't want to go. Every step to the dr's office and back home was such an effort...how in the world was I going to move a log out of the road??!!!

I headed back to the intersection and manuvered my car until I was once again sitting in the left hand turn lane at the intersection. Cars were still swirving around the log...thankfully the traffic was light and no one had been hurt. This time, I turned on my hazard lights and put the car in park. As the traffic stopped for the red light, I walked into the intersection, bent down and began rolling the log out of the intersection into the grassy median. As it rolled, I began to laugh..what a sight I must have been! Hopefully, it was a pleasing sight of obedience to God. Once the log was secure, I went back to my car and made that left hand turn, for the second time, into my neighborhood.

I drove home with a smile on my face and a new energy. I listened....and obeyed. I acted in a situation and potentially prevented an accident. I may have helped someone else, but I also helped myself. I felt like I had re-entered the land of the living. Being so ill, I had began to feel like a bystandard watching as life happened around me. I felt powerless to change my situation or anything happening around me...much like a victim. That day I realized, I am ill and weak and cannot do everything I desire but I am not powerless...nor am I a victim. Although my steps may not be many, if I am listening and obeying the One who is making my path straight, my steps can make a difference for me and for others.

This was a turning point for me...the day I made a decision to begin listening and obeying...even if it seems crazy...or I don't feel like it. There have been so many voices and opinions along the way about how to treat lyme or my other diagnosis. At times, it has been incredibly overwhelming and confusing. Who do I listen to? What do I do? This lesson in listening and obeying has been crucial for me. As I have listened (to His promptings)and obeyed, God has again, and again been so faithful to show me the path of healing through specific doctors, exercise, diet, supplements, medications, and lifestyle. Obedience has been a healing road for me from the inside out...truly a gift!

The Gift of Health

Wow! Is it really March, 2012?? The few times I have taken a break from blogging, it amazes me how quickly time passes...how fleeting. A blog entry may stand still to represent a moment or day in time, but our lives continue to march on. Even though I haven't been blogging, I have been journaling and I have continued to reflect on the gifts I have been given...the gifts I see with fresh eyes as a result of being on this healing journey.

One of the gifts for which I am so deeply thankful is my health. Prior to dealing with illness, I didn't understand the gift of health...the fact that my health was truly an amazing gift that could be here today and gone tomorrow. I assumed I would always be healthy, and if I got sick...well, there would be a pill of some sort that would put me back on my feet. Any illness that couldn't be solved with a round of antibiotics or a prescription was unthinkable...I just didn't even let my mind go there.

Speaking of prescriptions, I had been so blessed with health; I was thirty years old when my first antibiotic was prescribed. Really!! I had hardly ever been sick! I had been given the gift of health but didn't realize the priceless nature of this gift. I was somehow lulled into thinking that I would always be healthy, and the "rules" of taking care of yourself didn't apply to me.

My schedule was pack...I played hard and worked hard. I allowed by body to endure too much stress and I pushed it way too hard. I didn't listen to it's pleas for rest. I just drank another cup of coffee (to get a good old fashion dose of caffeine) and kept pushing. My body was just along for the ride. I didn't see my body as a vital part of me that needed attention, and needed to be heard. My body was there to serve me and allow me to do what I wanted to do. Wow! It makes me sad just writing those words.

As far as caring for my body with nutrition, well, I must admit...I didn't eat the best foods on a consistent basis. Even though I am a Registered Dietitian, and I know how to eat right. I allowed my schedule and to-do-list to dictate how I fed my body. I often chose foods that I could grab quickly to accommodate my schedule rather than take the time to prepare or eat what was optimal for my body.

I am not saying I would not have contracted lyme disease had I taken better care of my body. However, I have been forced to follow the "rules of health," and make my health a priority in order for my body to heal. I no longer live under the delusion that the "rules" don't apply to me. I know the rules apply to me...I won't escape the health consequences if I try to accomplish things I see as important to the detriment of my own body. I have had to apologize to my body for the lack of sleep, stress and mishap eating...for not listening to it.

No, I am not 100% back to my normal health. Yes, I am still working with doctors and continue to have health concerns, but I continue to improve and get stronger. I now see any measure of health I gain or enjoy as an amazing gift. This last year has been about enjoying this gift, and learning to balance the needs of my body with the activity and craziness of life. Sometimes you don't know the value of a gift until it is gone.