Pain-Free

I wrote the following in my journal this summer as I sat with pain...

Isn't that all we really want...the absence of pain?  We seek pleasure to lessen or mask the pain. We seek fame to lessen the pain of feeling inadequate, unworthy, unloved.  We seek health to avoid the pain of sickness. We seek wealth to avoid the pain of want and hunger.  We seek love to heal the pain of rejection.  We seek companionship and friendship to lessen the pain of being alone.  Pain...it is hard to avoid...even though we try desperately.  It follows us from childhood into adulthood.  It shadows us as we live our lives through tragedy, disappointment, loss, betrayal, sickness.  We try to mask it, muffle it, numb it, but it is always there.  Certain experiences make it louder...so loud that we can hardly bear the noise of our hearts and body as they cry.  Certain experiences make it more distant, less visceral so that we can barely hear the pain at all.  We try to run, but it follows.  We try to stamp it out, but it survives.  We try to mute it, but it will not be silenced.

So Pain...you are a companion on this road of life. I can either despise you and curse you, or I can sit with you...listen to the pulse of your reality.  Learn the lessons you have to teach.  Breathe in the wisdom that comes from your presence.  Look at the injustices and loss to which you point.

Oh! Yet, I long to be pain-free.  Free of pain.  As I speak those words, the tears flow.  What would that be like...What would I be like?  To not know pain...I would not be able to connect with the human experience. I would not have empathy, compassion...love.  Pain connects us, it unifies us. It drives us to heal, to change, to justice, to courage, to faith, to love.  It challenges us to rise above, to believe, to hope, to endure, to grow.

Wow!  Yes, pain makes us strong and yet, I have always seen it as a sign of weakness...yes, weakness, because it makes me feel vulnerable, out of control, frustrated and angry.  I view it as the enemy...a presence that wants to steal my joy and extinguish my life.  I view it as a state of being alone, not safe that I am not held.  Yet, pain does NOT mean that I am alone, forgotten, abandoned unloved or punished. In the midst of pain, I am still held by the One who knows my name, hears my cries and touches, feels my pain.

Hmmm..What if I were to view it as a friend rather than a foe?  Is that possible?  Could I see it as a life-giving force...as pain gives way to life in childbirth? Could I see it as a companion whose goal is to free me rather than consume me?  A force of life that moves me from what was to what could be...A friend that alerts me to danger and the need for attention or intervention.  A process of healing; a process of restoration; a process of life.  For without pain, I would not learn, I would not strive, I would not rest, I would not grow, I would not heal.

Okay Pain, may your presence be a reminder of all that I have gained rather than all I have lost.  A reminder of my humanity and the process of healing that connects my heart to others.  A reminder of my complete dependence and need for my Creator...the One who sustains me, loves me, comforts me, provides for me and heals me as I walk through this world of pain.

I KNOW

It is has been four years since I last posted.  Incredible.  I have spent the last four years continuing to tweak meds/supplements/herbs and heal.  I was recently told by my doctor that I am in remission.  Those beautiful words...remission!!  I celebrated! I cried! I sighed with relief!

It makes me sad to know that there are many who are struggling. As I look through my journal, there is an entry from 2011 that screams at me.  It gives a peak into the pain I faced and many others face on a daily basis. I will never forget.  If you are struggling, I want you to know. You are not alone because there are others who know...

I Know...

I know what it is like to have your world turned upside down...to have no hope...to so badly want what was..to have your health back...the norm...that which has been lost.  I know what it is like to watch other so easily go on with their lives...to have the strength to do things they seem to take for granted or even dread, and yet, you would love to walk in their shoes and have their health for just one day.  I know what it is like to feel as though no one really understands what it is like.. to not even have the option of going to the grocery store or doing laundry, or even sit up for long periods of time. Feeling as though no one understands is a lonely place.  I know what it is like to feel you are a burden...to not be able to contribute to the family, to not be able to volunteer at the school, not be able to fix the meal for a sick friend because you are the sick friend.  I know what it feels like to look in the mirror and not recognize the reflection looking back at you because your body has become so emaciated, pale and frail despite how hard you are fighting this disease.  I know what it is like to endure pain day after day and have no hope it will ever stop or improve.  I know what it is like to feel as though you are a failure as a wife because you are watching your husband desperately hold it all together and there is nothing you can do to ease his burden.  I know what it is like to feel as though you are a failure as a parent..to not be able to run with your children at the playground or take them shopping for the clothes they need or be present at back to school night. I know what it feels like to wonder if you matter anymore.  I know what it is like to feel as though you are half dead...only partially alive...that you have been robbed of your life.  I know what it feels like to wonder if you will survive,,,wonder if you will see your children grow into adulthood and have the influence and ability to care for them as they grow. I know what it is like to feel completely out of control...unable to control your ability to do anything because you never know what your body will allow.  I know what it is like to lose the respect of others...especially doctors...who don't understand Lyme disease...to have doctors not see the vibrant person...the real you who wants to be well again.  They are unable to see how far you have fallen.  They only seem to see a weak, frail, helpless, sick person who they don't really know how to help.  I know what it is like to feel vulnerable and be personally striped down until there is nothing left to strip.  I know what it is like to feel desperate...to be willing to do anything to go anywhere in order to get the answers that will lead to healing.  I know what it feels like to give up...to see no end to the pain...no end to the desperation.  I know what it is like to feel defeated and exhausted because the answers are not giving any relief.  I know what it is like to feel angry...SO angry that life isn't working out the way I had planned.  I know what it feels like to wonder..."Why me?"  I know...