Pain-Free

I wrote the following in my journal this summer as I sat with pain...

Isn't that all we really want...the absence of pain?  We seek pleasure to lessen or mask the pain. We seek fame to lessen the pain of feeling inadequate, unworthy, unloved.  We seek health to avoid the pain of sickness. We seek wealth to avoid the pain of want and hunger.  We seek love to heal the pain of rejection.  We seek companionship and friendship to lessen the pain of being alone.  Pain...it is hard to avoid...even though we try desperately.  It follows us from childhood into adulthood.  It shadows us as we live our lives through tragedy, disappointment, loss, betrayal, sickness.  We try to mask it, muffle it, numb it, but it is always there.  Certain experiences make it louder...so loud that we can hardly bear the noise of our hearts and body as they cry.  Certain experiences make it more distant, less visceral so that we can barely hear the pain at all.  We try to run, but it follows.  We try to stamp it out, but it survives.  We try to mute it, but it will not be silenced.

So Pain...you are a companion on this road of life. I can either despise you and curse you, or I can sit with you...listen to the pulse of your reality.  Learn the lessons you have to teach.  Breathe in the wisdom that comes from your presence.  Look at the injustices and loss to which you point.

Oh! Yet, I long to be pain-free.  Free of pain.  As I speak those words, the tears flow.  What would that be like...What would I be like?  To not know pain...I would not be able to connect with the human experience. I would not have empathy, compassion...love.  Pain connects us, it unifies us. It drives us to heal, to change, to justice, to courage, to faith, to love.  It challenges us to rise above, to believe, to hope, to endure, to grow.

Wow!  Yes, pain makes us strong and yet, I have always seen it as a sign of weakness...yes, weakness, because it makes me feel vulnerable, out of control, frustrated and angry.  I view it as the enemy...a presence that wants to steal my joy and extinguish my life.  I view it as a state of being alone, not safe that I am not held.  Yet, pain does NOT mean that I am alone, forgotten, abandoned unloved or punished. In the midst of pain, I am still held by the One who knows my name, hears my cries and touches, feels my pain.

Hmmm..What if I were to view it as a friend rather than a foe?  Is that possible?  Could I see it as a life-giving force...as pain gives way to life in childbirth? Could I see it as a companion whose goal is to free me rather than consume me?  A force of life that moves me from what was to what could be...A friend that alerts me to danger and the need for attention or intervention.  A process of healing; a process of restoration; a process of life.  For without pain, I would not learn, I would not strive, I would not rest, I would not grow, I would not heal.

Okay Pain, may your presence be a reminder of all that I have gained rather than all I have lost.  A reminder of my humanity and the process of healing that connects my heart to others.  A reminder of my complete dependence and need for my Creator...the One who sustains me, loves me, comforts me, provides for me and heals me as I walk through this world of pain.