The Gift of Listening

As I reflect back on this journey, one of the most important lessons and gifts I have been given is the gift of listening. As I have mentioned many times, before my health crisis...I was twirling, I was so busy. My life consisted of reacting to the crisis at hand or my to-do-list. I was very task driven. The demands of life were screaming in my ears and there was so much noise.

Once my world stopped as I knew it, my life became very quiet. The demands of life were knocking at my door but I couldn't answer. My options of busyness where no longer. I was left with being in my own skin...being with myself and being with God. That may sound odd but there were no other distractions. Going to Target, volunteering at school, going to work wasn't a viable option for me. My world became very small, and my steps were very few.

I knew every step I did make was very important to the care of my family and my own recovery. Every step was precious energy...it could not be wasted. I was overwhelmed by this fact. So, from moment to moment, I began to ask God how to use my steps wisely. I knew I didn't know the big picture or even how to get from point A to point B. So, I asked God. I would wake up in the morning and and ask..."Father, what is next?" I would listen. Sometimes it was a prompting to check email, read a book that gave me more info about my recovery, make a phone call, or prepare a meal. When that task was done, I would ask God to show me the next. I lived moment by moment with no agenda....only to ask God for direction and follow His promptings. When I did go to the grocery store (for the first time in my life) I didn't take a grocery list. I would ask...what will we need? There were times I felt promptings to buy something...like construction paper, and would think...why in the world am I buying that?! Sure enough a few days later one of my kids would need construction paper!! I began to stop questioning and just listen.

How often, I have asked God, "What is next?" and wondered does He really care about the moments of my day? Will He really lead me? Then, I remember Psalm 139.

"Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths (even this illness!), you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. ALL THE DAYS ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you...Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

Reading these verses, I can never question how intimately He is involved in my steps. How incredible...He knows when I sit down and when I rise. Grant it...I was mostly sitting and not much rising, but HE knew!!! Wow!! So, I had my answer. Yes, He knows the details of my families needs, and the steps I take, and yes, He will lead me.

So yes, He did and (and still does) lead; however, it really required me to surrender MY agenda and MY way to Him. I would often think..."I really don't want to do this or that doesn't make any sense!!!" However, if I really wanted to listen...it was His voice I wanted to hear, not my own, so I had to give up my way to His direction. You know...even though I didn't always have a clean house or the things "I" thought were important. I always went to bed with the peace that God directed me and the important things were done....He knows better than I do.

As I was learning this new way to live, another question would often come to mind..."God is this your prompting?"

In I Kings 19:11-12, God is speaking to Elijah and the verses say, "'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.' Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave."

Elijah had his own experience with "Earth, Wind and Fire!" but God was not there. When Elijah heard the gentle whisper, He knew it was God.

I was not looking for big gestures or "signs..." I was just asking God for direction and listening for a gentle whisper. It was a walk of faith. Trusting that God was hearing and leading me, and the gentle promptings...His sweet voice....yes, as overwhelming as it is to write this and tears run down my face...I think...yes, He has lead me all this way...step by step each day. Jesus led me all the way. (Hmm...Reminds me of the old hymn).

Believe me! This was a radical change in the way I had always "done" life. Before, I was always thinking and trying to squeeze the most out of my hours in the day. I became a master at multi-tasking, and somehow thought this was a great accomplishment. All the while, I had no idea I was contributing to the break down of my immune system and health by putting so much stress on my body. As I get stronger, how easy it is for me to go back to the old way of living life...to walk in my own wisdom...instead of leaning in desperate dependence on God for each step. I long to never loose sight of this precious gift of listening.