It has been over a year since I have written a "medical update" so I thought it might be fitting to bring everyone up-to-date on my health. Last year, I wrote a blog ("Cutting out Extra Parts") and explained that I had a tonsillectomy and was about to undergo a second surgery to have my gallbladder removed. I did have my gallbladder taken out, and was told that it was quite infected...the doctor's quote,"It didn't disintegrate in my hands but it was quite infected." I guess that means, "It could have been worse!" Both my tonsils and gallbladder were tested for lyme and other things. They were not positive for lyme but other microbes were detected. Since my surgeries, I have noticed a gradual positive shift with my health...less fatigue, throat issues, just alot more stamina. YEAH!!! Definitely worth my two trips to the OR.
Even though there have been definite improvements in my overall health, my white blood cell count has remained quite low, and my red blood cells remain low. One of the reasons I had both surgeries was to eliminate infection and thereby, help my WBCs to go back to the normal range...didn't happen! Again, I am the mystery patient that baffled the doctors. The hematologist said, "This is an infectious disease issue." The infectious disease doctor told me it was absolutely not an infectious disease issue and told me to go back to the hematologist! OH MY! When a dr gives me a blank stare, I just think....here we go again! Help me God..only you truly know what is happening.
Everyone was puzzled, but it was Dr. Zackrison to the rescue. Dr. Zackrison is the doctor who has treated me for lyme disease. She treats with antibiotics as well as homeopathics and is willing to look outside of the box. Dr. Z suspected that the neutropenia and anemia could be due to parasites...lovely thought! So, she ordered blood work, and sure enough...she found a major parasite..cysticercosis. YUCK! I was absolutely disgusted and thankful all at the same time! Horrified that I had a "friend" who is robbing me of nutrients and keeping my immune system so busy, but so thankful I had an answer.
With this knowledge and diagnosis, Dr. Z explained to me that a virus is like the size of a sesame seed, a bacteria can be thought of as a peanut and parasites are like golf balls to the immune system. Hence, my body can't keep up and produce enough WBCs to sustain a normal level. She also explained that the parasites are literally stealing the iron I eat. This why my iron stores are nonexistent and my RBCs are so low. She put me on parasite meds and my WBCs went back to normal. They were the highest they had been in three years!!! I literally did a "happy" dance around the office...I was so thrilled!!
They have continued to test me for other parasites and have found three additional parasites...yes, I have four friends!! Just put me in a red bag marked "hazardous waste!!!" I have had the health department call me more than once asking..."Do you know how you contracted these parasites?" My answer....NO, I have no earthly idea!!!! I guess if you take away someone's immune system...defense...while they live in a world with parasites...they are likely to pick up a few of them! I suppose my digestion issues could also be a reason. When I was being treated in Reno, they tested the ph of my stomach and it was too high. I was told that if the ph of your stomach isn't low enough to properly digest food and kill bacteria, virus and parasites, you are suscpectible to parasites. In addition, when you don't have the proper ph to digested food, the undigested food produces bad bacteria...all of this combined can contribute to acid indigestion and reflux. I have been taking hydrochloric acid (to lower the ph of the acid in my stomach)as well as digestive enzymes and my indigestion and reflux are gone!
With all of the meds and treatment for parasites, I have learned one thing, "parasites are hard kill!" The meds don't kill the eggs so yes, as you guessed...you have to keep killing new generations of them. My WBCs go up and then back down like a see-saw. I have read Hulda Clark's book on parasite treatments and she recommends cloves (ground and put into capsules) to kill the eggs so I have been using her protocol as well as the pharmaceuticals. Her protocol has been very helpful to me.
I will continue to let you know how my parasite treatment is going. I truly think....if I can rid my body of these "critters," it will take care of many of my symptoms and medical concerns. It would definitely free-up my immune system, and go along way toward my fight against lyme disease.
Love to all!
Ronda
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
"Ronda, Just Soar"
My last blog was about hope. The fact is...the only way I have been able to hold onto hope is to stay in the moment with complete trust that GOD is holding me, and all my future moments, in His loving care. This new awareness and need for GOD in the moments of my life, has gradually turned into a continual dialogue with GOD about EVERYTHING that is happening (or in some cases not happening!) in my day no matter how little or how big.
In 2008, when I was at my worst, I couldn't even raise my arms to blow dry my hair. Believe me! There were ALOT of things that where "not happening." Do you remember my blog, "You Don't Look Sick," and the "Spoon Theory?" I wrote about the fact that when one struggles with a chronic condition, physical energy is a limited commodity, and one never knows when the "spoons" of energy will be gone. They may be back in bed by 9:00 AM, and their strength may literally be "spent." With this new understanding of my body, I had to let go of ALL expectations of my day or myself, and I began asking God, "What do YOU have for me in this moment?" "How should I spend my spoons of energy?" With my day completely surrendered and no agenda, in the stillness...I felt gentle promptings toward specific things. The prompting may be to make an appointment with a doctor, read a book, sweep the kitchen floor or simply rest. I began to live from my heart and the gentle promptings instead of the crazy worry and "logic" of my own reasoning.
You know, it really was freeing knowing GOD knew what needed to happen from day to day. He knew where He was taking me and what my body, soul and spirit needed in order to heal. He also knew the needs of my family. At the end of the day, no...I didn't have the "to-do-list" completed. Yes, there were always things left undone, but there was no guilt or worry. I knew God had walked me through the moments of my day. It actually became exciting! I love spontaneity and each day was full of surprises. I never knew exactly how the day would go. Yes, there were promptings to do things I REALLY didn't want to do...but there was no procrastination (which I am so good at!) I was just listening, seeking and asking God to lead me...taking it one moment at a time.
One summer afternoon in 2008, I needed to meet up with a friend a few miles from my house. She was bringing me groceries, (I have such wonderful friends!!) but due to time constraints she was unable to deliver the groceries to my house...so, we chose a convenient meeting place near the local interstate. I was so very weak, and had only driven a few times since coming home from Reno. The idea of navigating the interstate was too much...sitting up in my car was a challenge within itself! As I left my neighborhood, I said to God, "My brain is in such a fog and I feel so weak. I need a back road to get to my destination. Please show me what to do!" I felt a gentle nudging to take an immediate right turn. I thought....I must have heard wrong! This is crazy! I can't get there by turning right, but I was learning to trust those promptings so, I turned right. Immediately, I looked up and there was a beautiful eagle soaring above me. It was soaring low and I was amazed at the wing span. It was completely breathtaking. I said out loud, "Is that an eagle?" I felt like God was saying, "Yes, Ronda that is an eagle." I started to argue...that CAN'T be an eagle...we don't have eagles around here." It was as if God said...."Go with it Ronda...Trust me on this one...it's an eagle!"
Then, the arguing stopped. A verse came to my mind, "They that wait (or hope in) on the Lord, He will renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31) God said to my heart, "Ronda, your complete trust and dependence on me for each moment of your day...to even make this right turn...this is what it means to soar...you are soaring." I started to cry! I had always wondered what this verse in Isaiah REALLY meant. I didn't know what it looked like in a practical way in my life. Now, my heart understood. I just needed to spread my wings and stop trying to make sense of it all...stop trying to control the future...stay in the moment and just let God carry me.
As all of these thoughts were going on inside of me, through the tears, I noticed a brand new road that had been opened while I was in Reno. I turned onto the new road, and it was a "back road" that lead me to my destination. The "crazy" right turn...was not so crazy after all. Yes, God was carrying me.
Since that day, when I leave my house, I look up and inevitably, I will see a hawk soaring above. The prompting comes to my heart..."Ronda, just soar." It is a beautiful and gentle reminder to not "run" in my own strength...just be in the moment with God and let him take care of all of my worries...just soar.
Love to all!
Ronda
One more thing! A few days ago I was having lunch with neighbors and they began talking about the eagle's nests that are in our neighborhood....Who knew?! I guess God was right...it was an eagle!
Proverbs 3:5-8 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowlege Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body, and refreshment to your bones."
In 2008, when I was at my worst, I couldn't even raise my arms to blow dry my hair. Believe me! There were ALOT of things that where "not happening." Do you remember my blog, "You Don't Look Sick," and the "Spoon Theory?" I wrote about the fact that when one struggles with a chronic condition, physical energy is a limited commodity, and one never knows when the "spoons" of energy will be gone. They may be back in bed by 9:00 AM, and their strength may literally be "spent." With this new understanding of my body, I had to let go of ALL expectations of my day or myself, and I began asking God, "What do YOU have for me in this moment?" "How should I spend my spoons of energy?" With my day completely surrendered and no agenda, in the stillness...I felt gentle promptings toward specific things. The prompting may be to make an appointment with a doctor, read a book, sweep the kitchen floor or simply rest. I began to live from my heart and the gentle promptings instead of the crazy worry and "logic" of my own reasoning.
You know, it really was freeing knowing GOD knew what needed to happen from day to day. He knew where He was taking me and what my body, soul and spirit needed in order to heal. He also knew the needs of my family. At the end of the day, no...I didn't have the "to-do-list" completed. Yes, there were always things left undone, but there was no guilt or worry. I knew God had walked me through the moments of my day. It actually became exciting! I love spontaneity and each day was full of surprises. I never knew exactly how the day would go. Yes, there were promptings to do things I REALLY didn't want to do...but there was no procrastination (which I am so good at!) I was just listening, seeking and asking God to lead me...taking it one moment at a time.
One summer afternoon in 2008, I needed to meet up with a friend a few miles from my house. She was bringing me groceries, (I have such wonderful friends!!) but due to time constraints she was unable to deliver the groceries to my house...so, we chose a convenient meeting place near the local interstate. I was so very weak, and had only driven a few times since coming home from Reno. The idea of navigating the interstate was too much...sitting up in my car was a challenge within itself! As I left my neighborhood, I said to God, "My brain is in such a fog and I feel so weak. I need a back road to get to my destination. Please show me what to do!" I felt a gentle nudging to take an immediate right turn. I thought....I must have heard wrong! This is crazy! I can't get there by turning right, but I was learning to trust those promptings so, I turned right. Immediately, I looked up and there was a beautiful eagle soaring above me. It was soaring low and I was amazed at the wing span. It was completely breathtaking. I said out loud, "Is that an eagle?" I felt like God was saying, "Yes, Ronda that is an eagle." I started to argue...that CAN'T be an eagle...we don't have eagles around here." It was as if God said...."Go with it Ronda...Trust me on this one...it's an eagle!"
Then, the arguing stopped. A verse came to my mind, "They that wait (or hope in) on the Lord, He will renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31) God said to my heart, "Ronda, your complete trust and dependence on me for each moment of your day...to even make this right turn...this is what it means to soar...you are soaring." I started to cry! I had always wondered what this verse in Isaiah REALLY meant. I didn't know what it looked like in a practical way in my life. Now, my heart understood. I just needed to spread my wings and stop trying to make sense of it all...stop trying to control the future...stay in the moment and just let God carry me.
As all of these thoughts were going on inside of me, through the tears, I noticed a brand new road that had been opened while I was in Reno. I turned onto the new road, and it was a "back road" that lead me to my destination. The "crazy" right turn...was not so crazy after all. Yes, God was carrying me.
Since that day, when I leave my house, I look up and inevitably, I will see a hawk soaring above. The prompting comes to my heart..."Ronda, just soar." It is a beautiful and gentle reminder to not "run" in my own strength...just be in the moment with God and let him take care of all of my worries...just soar.
Love to all!
Ronda
One more thing! A few days ago I was having lunch with neighbors and they began talking about the eagle's nests that are in our neighborhood....Who knew?! I guess God was right...it was an eagle!
Proverbs 3:5-8 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowlege Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body, and refreshment to your bones."
Thursday, March 10, 2011
"Shattered" Hope
Along this road I am on there have been days when I have lost hope. Hope was illusive. It was there one minute....then, it was gone. I remember purposely trying to cling to hope because the alternative was despair and darkness. Yet despair would often cloud my mind and take over my heart. Questions plagued me, "Will I get better?" "Will my health return?" "How long will I be in this condition?" We had already spent so much money, time and energy on doctor's visits, medications and regimens. Yet, I was not well. The thought of not getting better left me feeling hopeless.
Lyme disease is a crazy illness. There are so many different thoughts and opinions about treatments, prognosis, management, cure, and many of those opinions are in complete conflict. One doctor recommends antibiotics while other doctors oppose antibiotics and stress herbal treatments and other therapies. There is even suspicion and drama about whether lyme disease is a chronic condition. I don't like drama!! I like straight facts with a definite plan on which everyone understands and agrees....the ambiguity of it all is tiring and stressful. So, when I was diagnosed with lyme disease I had NO idea what I was about to encounter. I just wanted an easy answer with a straight forward treatment. Instead, I was hit with a million conflicting opinions and complete horror stories of people who have never regained their health. I must admit...when I did not regain my health, and the months became years...I began to lose hope. I lost hope that I would make a full recovery...hope that I would ever live without pain or return to the life I once knew.
As my hope slipped away. I was sliding into despair. One day, I was standing in my kitchen...it is a moment I will never forget. I was crying out in my heart to God. I was saying, "God, I can't do this...I just can't do this anymore...please help me." At that very moment, God put a question in my heart. "Ronda, can you do this moment, this second...not two seconds from now, not two minutes from now...can you do just this moment?" I pondered the question. Somehow, a weight had been lifted. It seemed tolerable and manageable. I felt the grace and strength for that one moment. I began to cry, and I replied, "Yes, I can do this moment only if you are with me...only if you sustain me." "I don't know if I can do seconds from now, but I can do this moment." Then, the thoughts came, "You don't need to worry about grace or hope for two seconds, two minutes or two hours from now. Just let me hold you in this moment and I will take care of the the rest of your moments too." It was there...in that place...in that exchange...that I realized I could only walk this road clinging to my Savior one moment at a time.
I was much like Peter walking on the water. There was nothing under me to catch me, and I was walking through a storm. I could walk on the water...as long as I had my focus on Jesus, but when I started looking at all the waves of my circumstances and all of the uncertainty about my future, I started to sink into hopelessness and despair. It was only when I turned to Him with complete trust for ALL of the moments of ALL my days that the cloud of despair lifted and hope returned.
I have to tell you there is a sweetness to life when there is nothing to catch you...no where to go...and you put your complete trust in God. My hope was no longer based on whether I regained my health or the circumstances around me changed. Being healthy (as much as I want it) is not my reward...not the basis for my hope. My hope is in the fact that I am not alone. He will never leave me. I can walk in His loving presence one moment at a time knowing one day I will not dwell in this temporary body, but a spiritual body in the presence of my God. Heaven is my hope.
Last winter was a dreadful winter. We had more snow than I have see in in my entire life. It was aweful!! In my garden, under the 20 inches of snow, I had a garden stone that said, "HOPE." I had put it in my garden the previous summer to remind me of "my hope." After a snow storm, my husband walked through the garden with the snow waist-high, and unknowingly stepped on the "hope stone." Weeks later, when the snow melted, I found my hope stone...fake stone "shattered." I was a little distraught...I had become attached to this tangible reminder of hope. Then, I began to laugh and teased my husband that he had "shattered my hope." Days later, the thought came to me....my fake stone is a good representation of all the things on which we base our hope in this world. They can all be shattered, and they can all be taken away. God is the true Rock on which I can stand. A place where I can place my hope and it will never be shattered. May my hope always be in the Lord.
(Psalm 33:20-22) "We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."
(Psalm 92:15)..."The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in Him."
(Psalm 42:11)"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
Lyme disease is a crazy illness. There are so many different thoughts and opinions about treatments, prognosis, management, cure, and many of those opinions are in complete conflict. One doctor recommends antibiotics while other doctors oppose antibiotics and stress herbal treatments and other therapies. There is even suspicion and drama about whether lyme disease is a chronic condition. I don't like drama!! I like straight facts with a definite plan on which everyone understands and agrees....the ambiguity of it all is tiring and stressful. So, when I was diagnosed with lyme disease I had NO idea what I was about to encounter. I just wanted an easy answer with a straight forward treatment. Instead, I was hit with a million conflicting opinions and complete horror stories of people who have never regained their health. I must admit...when I did not regain my health, and the months became years...I began to lose hope. I lost hope that I would make a full recovery...hope that I would ever live without pain or return to the life I once knew.
As my hope slipped away. I was sliding into despair. One day, I was standing in my kitchen...it is a moment I will never forget. I was crying out in my heart to God. I was saying, "God, I can't do this...I just can't do this anymore...please help me." At that very moment, God put a question in my heart. "Ronda, can you do this moment, this second...not two seconds from now, not two minutes from now...can you do just this moment?" I pondered the question. Somehow, a weight had been lifted. It seemed tolerable and manageable. I felt the grace and strength for that one moment. I began to cry, and I replied, "Yes, I can do this moment only if you are with me...only if you sustain me." "I don't know if I can do seconds from now, but I can do this moment." Then, the thoughts came, "You don't need to worry about grace or hope for two seconds, two minutes or two hours from now. Just let me hold you in this moment and I will take care of the the rest of your moments too." It was there...in that place...in that exchange...that I realized I could only walk this road clinging to my Savior one moment at a time.
I was much like Peter walking on the water. There was nothing under me to catch me, and I was walking through a storm. I could walk on the water...as long as I had my focus on Jesus, but when I started looking at all the waves of my circumstances and all of the uncertainty about my future, I started to sink into hopelessness and despair. It was only when I turned to Him with complete trust for ALL of the moments of ALL my days that the cloud of despair lifted and hope returned.
I have to tell you there is a sweetness to life when there is nothing to catch you...no where to go...and you put your complete trust in God. My hope was no longer based on whether I regained my health or the circumstances around me changed. Being healthy (as much as I want it) is not my reward...not the basis for my hope. My hope is in the fact that I am not alone. He will never leave me. I can walk in His loving presence one moment at a time knowing one day I will not dwell in this temporary body, but a spiritual body in the presence of my God. Heaven is my hope.
Last winter was a dreadful winter. We had more snow than I have see in in my entire life. It was aweful!! In my garden, under the 20 inches of snow, I had a garden stone that said, "HOPE." I had put it in my garden the previous summer to remind me of "my hope." After a snow storm, my husband walked through the garden with the snow waist-high, and unknowingly stepped on the "hope stone." Weeks later, when the snow melted, I found my hope stone...fake stone "shattered." I was a little distraught...I had become attached to this tangible reminder of hope. Then, I began to laugh and teased my husband that he had "shattered my hope." Days later, the thought came to me....my fake stone is a good representation of all the things on which we base our hope in this world. They can all be shattered, and they can all be taken away. God is the true Rock on which I can stand. A place where I can place my hope and it will never be shattered. May my hope always be in the Lord.
(Psalm 33:20-22) "We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you."
(Psalm 92:15)..."The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in Him."
(Psalm 42:11)"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."
Monday, February 28, 2011
The Gift of Joy
As 2007 turned into 2008, I became sicker and sicker. I was shuffled from doctor to doctor and no one could tell me why I was so weak, in pain, had flu symptoms, fevers, chills, ect... During that time I was gradually stripped of all my activities. My world was becoming very small. My "quality of life" was changing. I wasn't able to do all of the things wives and mommys do. I was becoming more dependent on my sweet husband and friends. I didn't have choices...the choice to go to the store or for a walk or to the mailbox. My life had so drastically changed. I remember thinking, "I am breathing, but I feel as though I am only partially alive." It was as if I didn't have as "much" life as the healthy people around me because I couldn't "do" all of things I once could do. I remember wondering, "When will I get my life back." Then, the thought came to me..."Wait a minute! I have my life...I may not be strong, but I am just as "ALIVE" as the person who can work a full day and take care of errands too! I can no longer measure my quality of life by what I can 'do.' I will be alive until I take my last breath...so I need to savor every bit of life I am given, and CELEBRATE the fact that I am ALIVE... and embrace the joy found in just...being."
It was with this new sense of appreciation for life that I began to see my life differently. I had physically lost my strength...my ability to achieve. However, there was a new sense of "being"...the ability to taste life I had never understood before. I was no longer focusing on what I didn't have and so very thankful for what I have been given. I was enjoying the moments of my life...and with this came a new sense of joy...A JOY I had not understood. One night(when I was at my worst physically) I was having a simple dinner with my family, and I became so overwhelmed with a sense of joy!! It wasn't because I had fixed the perfect dinner or my children were using proper table manners or that I was physically better. It was as if I suddenly had eyes to see the beauty of what was right in front of me. It was pure joy to be present in the moment with my family... to bask in the sweetness of the love I felt. I thought, "I have sat in this same chair so many times...worried about getting 'to the next thing'...preoccupied...or demanding certain expectations". I was too sick to demand. I was just content to soak it in...I felt joy...the joy found in celebrating the fact that you are alive and able to be with those you love.
It is no coincidence that God has this lesson for me. In November 2006, I wrote the following entry in my journal... " Today I had a moment when I felt happy and peaceful. I was truly enjoying the moment. I felt joy. It felt different. I noted it. It was as if a fog was lifted. I felt more fully alive. I often feel happy about things or for other people, but this wasn't about an event or a person this was just about me ...in my own skin...in the moment... Am I missing the boat? Life is too short to just make it through it...It's not that I am not happy, but so much of my life is marked by the emotional state of enduring, making it through the challenges and struggles of the moment or "phases of life." Today, I wasn't doing anything exceptional, I was running errands, but I wasn't struggling, striving, pushing toward anything. I was just willing to take the day as it came. I want to see life through this lens more often. A place of tasting, enjoying and savoring life...living in the moment and enjoying it."
After I wrote this journal entry, my life went back to the normal "struggling and striving," but I became fascinated with the word joy and the word kept "popping up" in my life. It seemed as though I saw the word everywhere! I ask God to show me what it meant to truly have JOY. In the coming months, I purchased a plaque that had a quote by Mother Teresa. It says, "Joy is strength; Joy is prayer; Joy is love." I didn't understand what it meant, but I hung it in my kitchen, and I pondered it. Now, years later...it has true meaning. This is the joy I have come to experience. Joy is strength...no, not physical strength, but the strength to walk in God's grace moment by moment with Him...seeing the beautiful gifts in life He has for me. Joy is prayer...No, not the "lay me down to sleep prayer", but the cries of my heart that are comforted by His love and presence. Joy is love...No, not the love based on achievement or conditions, but the simple yet, profound love I experienced at the dinner table with my family a few years ago, and the everlasting, endless love of my Savior.
No, my health and life are far from perfect I have moments of sadness, frustration and loss, but I long to never forget how incredible it is to still be breathing...taking in "moments" of my life, and the joy that comes with this perspecitve. Yes, I was striped of my health and my ability to "do", but I wasn't striped of my "quality of life." Infact, I was given the eyes to see the beauty of life, and I was given the gift of joy!
It was with this new sense of appreciation for life that I began to see my life differently. I had physically lost my strength...my ability to achieve. However, there was a new sense of "being"...the ability to taste life I had never understood before. I was no longer focusing on what I didn't have and so very thankful for what I have been given. I was enjoying the moments of my life...and with this came a new sense of joy...A JOY I had not understood. One night(when I was at my worst physically) I was having a simple dinner with my family, and I became so overwhelmed with a sense of joy!! It wasn't because I had fixed the perfect dinner or my children were using proper table manners or that I was physically better. It was as if I suddenly had eyes to see the beauty of what was right in front of me. It was pure joy to be present in the moment with my family... to bask in the sweetness of the love I felt. I thought, "I have sat in this same chair so many times...worried about getting 'to the next thing'...preoccupied...or demanding certain expectations". I was too sick to demand. I was just content to soak it in...I felt joy...the joy found in celebrating the fact that you are alive and able to be with those you love.
It is no coincidence that God has this lesson for me. In November 2006, I wrote the following entry in my journal... " Today I had a moment when I felt happy and peaceful. I was truly enjoying the moment. I felt joy. It felt different. I noted it. It was as if a fog was lifted. I felt more fully alive. I often feel happy about things or for other people, but this wasn't about an event or a person this was just about me ...in my own skin...in the moment... Am I missing the boat? Life is too short to just make it through it...It's not that I am not happy, but so much of my life is marked by the emotional state of enduring, making it through the challenges and struggles of the moment or "phases of life." Today, I wasn't doing anything exceptional, I was running errands, but I wasn't struggling, striving, pushing toward anything. I was just willing to take the day as it came. I want to see life through this lens more often. A place of tasting, enjoying and savoring life...living in the moment and enjoying it."
After I wrote this journal entry, my life went back to the normal "struggling and striving," but I became fascinated with the word joy and the word kept "popping up" in my life. It seemed as though I saw the word everywhere! I ask God to show me what it meant to truly have JOY. In the coming months, I purchased a plaque that had a quote by Mother Teresa. It says, "Joy is strength; Joy is prayer; Joy is love." I didn't understand what it meant, but I hung it in my kitchen, and I pondered it. Now, years later...it has true meaning. This is the joy I have come to experience. Joy is strength...no, not physical strength, but the strength to walk in God's grace moment by moment with Him...seeing the beautiful gifts in life He has for me. Joy is prayer...No, not the "lay me down to sleep prayer", but the cries of my heart that are comforted by His love and presence. Joy is love...No, not the love based on achievement or conditions, but the simple yet, profound love I experienced at the dinner table with my family a few years ago, and the everlasting, endless love of my Savior.
No, my health and life are far from perfect I have moments of sadness, frustration and loss, but I long to never forget how incredible it is to still be breathing...taking in "moments" of my life, and the joy that comes with this perspecitve. Yes, I was striped of my health and my ability to "do", but I wasn't striped of my "quality of life." Infact, I was given the eyes to see the beauty of life, and I was given the gift of joy!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Gotta tell the story
Yes, I have had a nagging feeling for months that I "gotta tell the story." The story of my recovery, but more importantly the story of how I walked throught the darkest days of my life. Honestly, I haven't wanted to tell the story. Somehow, telling the story takes me back to it. It takes me back to the pain, the despair, the fear, the weakness, the rawness I felt for so long. I so desperately yearned for some sense of "normalcy" (whatever that is). Gradually, the normalcy came...I have regained a normal life. I feel as though I am on guard...watching carefully for anything that could threaten to steal or take away this mundane, regular, beautiful "normal" life. Telling the story is uncomfortable and yes, somehow, it threatens my urgency, desire...my longing for normal.
However, there is a consistent feeling that I have left something undone. My heart is not at rest and it will only be satisfied by listening...just doing what I feel God wants me to do. I recently shared this, "gotta tell the story" feeling with a group of women with whom I regularly meet for Bible Study. A dear friend said to me, "Ronda, when you came back from treatment in Reno you didn't look like yourself and I cried. Now, your are 'back' and you have come so far. I think your story could be helpful to anyone going through your experience." I took her words to heart. She is right...there is a story to tell.
It's not that I want to forget this chapter. (Infact, I am still in this chapter...I just had an MRI and a dr. appt today...taking more meds and trying new regimens. I am still recovering.) I have learned some of the most amazing lessons of my life. I have learned to live and see life in ways I NEVER want to forget...I never want to lose these lessons. Maybe, this is part of the urgency to tell my story. If I write down the lessons learned, maybe, just maybe, they won't be so quickly lost. I don't want to forget...I always want to be connected to the beauty that has come from the darkness.
So, with a new resolve and purpose...and by God's grace...I am ready. I am ready to reflect, cry, feel and look back on the darkness...not as a threat to my desire for normalcy, but as a way to write about God's incredible love and sustaining grace during an incredibly dark chapter of my life. I have no idea what will be shared. I don't have an agenda. I just gotta tell the story.
However, there is a consistent feeling that I have left something undone. My heart is not at rest and it will only be satisfied by listening...just doing what I feel God wants me to do. I recently shared this, "gotta tell the story" feeling with a group of women with whom I regularly meet for Bible Study. A dear friend said to me, "Ronda, when you came back from treatment in Reno you didn't look like yourself and I cried. Now, your are 'back' and you have come so far. I think your story could be helpful to anyone going through your experience." I took her words to heart. She is right...there is a story to tell.
It's not that I want to forget this chapter. (Infact, I am still in this chapter...I just had an MRI and a dr. appt today...taking more meds and trying new regimens. I am still recovering.) I have learned some of the most amazing lessons of my life. I have learned to live and see life in ways I NEVER want to forget...I never want to lose these lessons. Maybe, this is part of the urgency to tell my story. If I write down the lessons learned, maybe, just maybe, they won't be so quickly lost. I don't want to forget...I always want to be connected to the beauty that has come from the darkness.
So, with a new resolve and purpose...and by God's grace...I am ready. I am ready to reflect, cry, feel and look back on the darkness...not as a threat to my desire for normalcy, but as a way to write about God's incredible love and sustaining grace during an incredibly dark chapter of my life. I have no idea what will be shared. I don't have an agenda. I just gotta tell the story.
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