When I began blogging four years ago, I knew nothing about the blogging world. A friend of mine suggested I blog while I was undergoing treatment as a way to let everyone in my life know my progress and how to pray for me. It was to be a temporary tool to efficiently communicate with friends and family. Slowly, it has become much more to me. Now, it is a place where I will give health updates, but I am also compelled to share the ways God has so graciously guided me along this healing road. My prayer is that this blog is a place for others to find encouragement and hope for their lives.
Well, I must admit...I still don't know much about the world of blogging. So, a few days ago, I decided to "explore" a little bit. I began reading the blogs of a few Christian women who were sharing about their families, Easter traditions and how they manage their homes. The pictures of their Easter was beautiful...a picture perfect family. Then, my heat sank...
I thought of the women who were unable to get out of bed on Easter, unable to hide their children's Easter eggs, unable to find the perfect outfits, unable to make the perfect Easter dinner and I cried. I cried because I know how it feels to watch others so effortlessly move through their lives and be unable to do the same.
If you are reading this and struggling because your body is unable to "do" all of the perfect things. Please take heart. God has not forgotten you. He sees you. He knows you. He hears you, and He cares about every tear that falls. You are not alone. He hasn't overlooked you or your family.
It is so easy to compare ourselves to others...to judge the moments of our life. Don't look for the "perfect" moments. Don't judge or compare. Embrace the single, simple beautiful moments and gifts from His hand. Look at what you "have" instead of focusing on what you've "lost." Don't compare...don't look for perfect. Look for the gifts God gives you in every moment...the smile on your child's face, the hugs and kisses,the words of love, being with family regardless of the activity..being together. These are His perfect gifts for you and your family. Embrace your moments with thanksgiving...instead of judgement or regret...and you will begin to see the gifts.
Embracing the moment with thanksgiving allows us to see the gifts...living fully present in the moment allows us to experience the gifts they hold. Don't minimize or begrudge your moments because they aren't like the experiences of yesterday. You have been given today! Embrace "your" life and live in it. You aren't only "half" alive because you are sick. You are fully alive! You have been given the opportunity to live today...in this moment. Live your moments to the fullest, and be FULLY present in them. Experience them; taste them..they matter!
Yes, your moments really matter. You still matter and what you are able to give...YOU...matters greatly to your family. They don't want perfection...they want YOU! Give YOU! If you are able to love...give it...it matters! It makes a huge difference. Your life still has impact and meaning. All of your moments matter. So, embrace them...don't judge or compare them; be fully present in them; know they matter..they are gifts.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
The Gift of Love
What a precious gift! Love is a funny thing. It can't be earned. It can only be given. However, the way love had worked in my life...or my concept of love had always been based on my ability to perform, achieve, obtain... to be worthy of it. It was like chasing the wind. I was trying to be worthy of a gift that is only given unconditionally. Even if someone loved me unconditionally, I could not benefit from their gift because my efforts were "there" to take credit for it. The deep belief was..."I had to earn love...people gave me love because of the efforts on which I had learned to rely for acceptance and love."
Many years ago, I came to an incredible place of seeing God's grace and unconditional love for me with fresh eyes and a new understanding. It was incredibly freeing and healing! However, my self effort and striving to earn love and acceptance from people was very much intact. I didn't even realize how intact or strong those walls where until they started coming down "brick by brick."
All of the masks, efforts, pretense...I put forth with the hope of being loved/accepted by others was slowly but surely stripped away. I was unable to measure up, perform, "do" the things that might earn me favor from others. I was vulnerable...very vulnerable.
One of the most difficult bricks to fall was the drastic change in my appearance. I was so thin...it was scary. My face was thin, grey and pale. In addition, I had lost my front tooth, and for a few weeks, I didn't have a replacement. I had to see people and go to doctor appointments without a tooth...and looking very frail. There were moments I would take a second look in the mirror because I didn't recognize the reflection I saw. My belief that I had to look a certain way to be valued and loved was challenged to the core.
Even though I felt incredibly vulnerable, and didn't have my "effort,mask or tooth" to present to the world, I am so thankful....I was embraced and loved by my family and friends!! It was the first time in my life I had no choice but to risk and let the unconditional love of others touch my heart. My walls had crumbled.
My incredible husband had told me for years he would always love me, but now, I could see his love did not waiver....regardless of my weakness, appearance or vulnerability. Now, it had been tested...I really knew he loved "me."
My friends were also amazing...they loved me regardless of my condition. Yes, there were friends who didn't understand and weren't there for me, but I quickly learned who really loved me....not my effort or masks...me. I am so blessed to have so many friends who wrapped their arms around me in love.
I am thankful for this gift of being loved for me...it is unconditional. Love is by nature...unconditional. To place a condition on love violates the very nature of love. I finally learned..."to accept love based on my efforts/mask would never allow my heart to know the love it truly desired."
It just so happens that today is Good Friday. The day of ultimate sacrifice and unconditional love for mankind. Jesus died not because we are "worthy" of His love based on our efforts. The Bible says, "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8). He died for us because He saw the worth of His creation...made in His image, and He loved us. He desired to reconcile the ones He loved so unconditionally back to Himself. It is just mind blowing to think....Jesus died on the cross because (just like my husband and friends) He loved "me"...not my efforts, masks or gifts...just because He loved "me." What an amazing gift of love!
Many years ago, I came to an incredible place of seeing God's grace and unconditional love for me with fresh eyes and a new understanding. It was incredibly freeing and healing! However, my self effort and striving to earn love and acceptance from people was very much intact. I didn't even realize how intact or strong those walls where until they started coming down "brick by brick."
All of the masks, efforts, pretense...I put forth with the hope of being loved/accepted by others was slowly but surely stripped away. I was unable to measure up, perform, "do" the things that might earn me favor from others. I was vulnerable...very vulnerable.
One of the most difficult bricks to fall was the drastic change in my appearance. I was so thin...it was scary. My face was thin, grey and pale. In addition, I had lost my front tooth, and for a few weeks, I didn't have a replacement. I had to see people and go to doctor appointments without a tooth...and looking very frail. There were moments I would take a second look in the mirror because I didn't recognize the reflection I saw. My belief that I had to look a certain way to be valued and loved was challenged to the core.
Even though I felt incredibly vulnerable, and didn't have my "effort,mask or tooth" to present to the world, I am so thankful....I was embraced and loved by my family and friends!! It was the first time in my life I had no choice but to risk and let the unconditional love of others touch my heart. My walls had crumbled.
My incredible husband had told me for years he would always love me, but now, I could see his love did not waiver....regardless of my weakness, appearance or vulnerability. Now, it had been tested...I really knew he loved "me."
My friends were also amazing...they loved me regardless of my condition. Yes, there were friends who didn't understand and weren't there for me, but I quickly learned who really loved me....not my effort or masks...me. I am so blessed to have so many friends who wrapped their arms around me in love.
I am thankful for this gift of being loved for me...it is unconditional. Love is by nature...unconditional. To place a condition on love violates the very nature of love. I finally learned..."to accept love based on my efforts/mask would never allow my heart to know the love it truly desired."
It just so happens that today is Good Friday. The day of ultimate sacrifice and unconditional love for mankind. Jesus died not because we are "worthy" of His love based on our efforts. The Bible says, "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8). He died for us because He saw the worth of His creation...made in His image, and He loved us. He desired to reconcile the ones He loved so unconditionally back to Himself. It is just mind blowing to think....Jesus died on the cross because (just like my husband and friends) He loved "me"...not my efforts, masks or gifts...just because He loved "me." What an amazing gift of love!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The Gift of God's Presence
April 7, 2008....I was walking out the door to catch a flight to Reno, Nevada for lyme treatment. I quickly skimmed my bookshelf looking for a book to read on the plane. The only requirement....it needed to be small enough to fit into my purse...the smaller the better. In my haste, without much thought, I picked up a small paperback I purchased years earlier and had not read. It was called, Practicing the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. I heard it was a good book, and I was intrigued by the title. So, maybe it was time to finally read it...not much else to do while on the plane. Why not?
Not only did I read it on the plane, I read it in the quiet, lonely moments of treatment when it was just me and God. The book beautifully described the relationship Brother Lawrence had with God. He was a monk, who lived in the 17th century, in a monastery. He was a cook in the kitchen of the monastery. Even though he worked amongst the hustle and bustle of cooking and serving meals (well...cooking creates lots of hustle and bustle in my house anyway!), his mind and thoughts constantly remained on God and the awareness of His presence. In the book, he talks about enjoying God's love and peace regardless of the circumstances or busyness around him. I was fascinated (and still fascinated)with his constant mental pursuit of God in His thoughts. It is reported that people enjoyed being around him, and he was a man full of peace and love. Wow!
When I came home, out of complete desperation, I "fell" into depending on God to lead me in the moments of my days. I began to realize I was more aware of His presence than I had ever been in my life. Instead of reading a devotional or Bible passage, and setting it aside to "get on with my day." The dialogue and dependence on God continued throughout my day. It started to click...I began to connect the dots, and I wondered..."could this be a small taste of what Brother Lawrence shared with God?" It didn't take valiant effort or duty or service on my part...only quiet cries for help and listening...meeting God in the moments of my life...in my weakness and stillness.
I am definitely not a monk in a monastery!! I would never compare myself to Brother Lawrence, but I think God knew the road I was taking and what He wanted to teach me. I believe He put that "small" book in my hands for a reason. He wanted to make the gift of His presence a reality in my life...not just a theological fact. Slowly, clinging to His presence, and talking with Him moment by moment, became the only way I could navigate during those difficult days. Sometimes I would question myself and pray..."God, I don't know of anyone else who asks you about each step of their day...am I on track?" or "God, how do I stay in communion with you as my life gets busier and not so small?" I wanted to read more.
Fast forward to Sept, 2009...I was at a local Christian Bookstore at the register checking out, and I saw a devotional book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I had not heard of the book. The prompting came, "Buy that devotional book." I thought, "I have sooo many devotional books at home with dust on them...that I don't read. Why would I buy another one to add to the stack? I don't know ANYTHING about this book!" The prompting continued. Finally, I bought the book, and thought..."at least it is on sale!"
I went home and began reading the devotional out of sheer curiosity. I quickly realized it is an incredible devotional book, and the answer to many of my questions about this new way to walk through life. The author talks over and over again about living in God's presence. Keeping our focus on God. It became a daily encouragement to me, and a confirmation of what God was teaching me over and over again. It gave me answers to my many questions about..."How do I enjoy God's presence in the "real world"...outside of my four walls or outside of a monastery?
I still read this devotional book on a regular basis, and this morning, April 1st, as I was contemplating writing about the gift of God's presence in my life, I read this...
Jesus Calling, April 1st...
"I AM CALLING YOU to a life of constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life. You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all. Talk with Me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me. A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if many things remain undone at the end of the day. Do not let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life. Instead, ask My spirit to guide you moment by moment. He will keep you close to Me."
I Thessalonians 5:17; Proverbs 3:6
When I read this devotional today...I just had to smile. I had already planned to blog about the gift of His presence in my life. Then, I read today's devotional. The devotional says it better than I could ever articulate. I read it...my heart was warmed, and I was encouraged to continue "basic training."
Not only did I read it on the plane, I read it in the quiet, lonely moments of treatment when it was just me and God. The book beautifully described the relationship Brother Lawrence had with God. He was a monk, who lived in the 17th century, in a monastery. He was a cook in the kitchen of the monastery. Even though he worked amongst the hustle and bustle of cooking and serving meals (well...cooking creates lots of hustle and bustle in my house anyway!), his mind and thoughts constantly remained on God and the awareness of His presence. In the book, he talks about enjoying God's love and peace regardless of the circumstances or busyness around him. I was fascinated (and still fascinated)with his constant mental pursuit of God in His thoughts. It is reported that people enjoyed being around him, and he was a man full of peace and love. Wow!
When I came home, out of complete desperation, I "fell" into depending on God to lead me in the moments of my days. I began to realize I was more aware of His presence than I had ever been in my life. Instead of reading a devotional or Bible passage, and setting it aside to "get on with my day." The dialogue and dependence on God continued throughout my day. It started to click...I began to connect the dots, and I wondered..."could this be a small taste of what Brother Lawrence shared with God?" It didn't take valiant effort or duty or service on my part...only quiet cries for help and listening...meeting God in the moments of my life...in my weakness and stillness.
I am definitely not a monk in a monastery!! I would never compare myself to Brother Lawrence, but I think God knew the road I was taking and what He wanted to teach me. I believe He put that "small" book in my hands for a reason. He wanted to make the gift of His presence a reality in my life...not just a theological fact. Slowly, clinging to His presence, and talking with Him moment by moment, became the only way I could navigate during those difficult days. Sometimes I would question myself and pray..."God, I don't know of anyone else who asks you about each step of their day...am I on track?" or "God, how do I stay in communion with you as my life gets busier and not so small?" I wanted to read more.
Fast forward to Sept, 2009...I was at a local Christian Bookstore at the register checking out, and I saw a devotional book called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. I had not heard of the book. The prompting came, "Buy that devotional book." I thought, "I have sooo many devotional books at home with dust on them...that I don't read. Why would I buy another one to add to the stack? I don't know ANYTHING about this book!" The prompting continued. Finally, I bought the book, and thought..."at least it is on sale!"
I went home and began reading the devotional out of sheer curiosity. I quickly realized it is an incredible devotional book, and the answer to many of my questions about this new way to walk through life. The author talks over and over again about living in God's presence. Keeping our focus on God. It became a daily encouragement to me, and a confirmation of what God was teaching me over and over again. It gave me answers to my many questions about..."How do I enjoy God's presence in the "real world"...outside of my four walls or outside of a monastery?
I still read this devotional book on a regular basis, and this morning, April 1st, as I was contemplating writing about the gift of God's presence in my life, I read this...
Jesus Calling, April 1st...
"I AM CALLING YOU to a life of constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life. You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day just as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all. Talk with Me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me. A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if many things remain undone at the end of the day. Do not let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life. Instead, ask My spirit to guide you moment by moment. He will keep you close to Me."
I Thessalonians 5:17; Proverbs 3:6
When I read this devotional today...I just had to smile. I had already planned to blog about the gift of His presence in my life. Then, I read today's devotional. The devotional says it better than I could ever articulate. I read it...my heart was warmed, and I was encouraged to continue "basic training."
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